Strange Happenings In The Town of Forks
by TeamJempwarth
Summary: The crazy things that the Cullens, Bella, and other characters do in the small town of Forks. Completely OOC. Funny though. Rated T for crude humor. :3
1. Edward Discovers Axe

Edward:

-Runs to Emmett- EMMETT!! Emmett, you have to help me!

Emmett:

What's wrong now Edward??

Edward:

Bella said she's getting tired of my "scent." But what am I supposed to do? This is my natural scent.

Emmett:

I have a brilliant idea, bro.

Edward:

Tell me! I'll do anything!

Emmett:

You can borrow some of my Axe.

Edward:

Your Axe Emmett??

Emmett:

Yeah. It says on the bottle, 'Designed to seduce the ladies, if you spray it they will come.'

Edward:

I guess I'll give it a try.

The next day

Edward:

Emmett I'm gonna kill you.

Emmett:

-Confused- Why??

Edward:

Well Bella liked the Axe, but so did every other girl I saw!

Emmett:

-Winks- So??

Edward:

Emmett, I only wanted to impress Bella. Plus, I didn't even know most of the girls. One came up to me and was speaking Portuguese!!

Emmett:

Edward, how do you know it was Portuguese??

Edward:

I used the Handy Dandy Language Handbook!

Emmett:

-Shocked- Did you steal that from Alice??

Edward:

Yeah, so??

Emmett:

HOLY FRIGGIN' TOASTER WAFFLES, EDWARD!! That book is Alice's life!

Edward:

Chillax big E, I'm gonna go return it.

Screaming Voice From Down The Hall:

WHERE IS MY HANDY DANDY LANGUAGE HANDBOOK?!

Edward:

Holy toenail clippers, she noticed! What do I do Emmett?

Emmett:

Uh, go hide in that cabinet over there.

-Edward manages to squeeze into the cabinet right before Alice storms in-

Alice:

Emmett, do you know where my book is??

Emmett:

EDWARD TOOK IT!! HE'S HIDING IN THE CABINET!!

-Alice rushes over to the cabinet and pulls Edward out. She drags him by his thumbs out of the room-

Edward:

-As he passes Emmett- I hate Axe.


	2. Alice the Super Spy

Bella:

Ok, I'm about to go KILL Mike Newton!!

Edward:

What did he do now??

Bella:

Well, I was at the park eating my goldfish. I was just minding my own business, and then _he _comes.

Edward:

I hate riddles, Bella. What happened?

Bella:

_He came and snatched my bag of goldfish and fed them to the pigeons._

Edward:

… Bella I can buy you a new bag of goldfish. It's not a big deal.

Bella:

WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY EDWARD?! Those goldfish were flavor blasted!!

Edward:

OMG

_Suddenly Alice appears out of nowhere_

Alice:

I heard the news.

Bella:

-Sobs- I know, it's tragic.

Alice:

Bella, I know it'll be okay. I'll go take care of him.

Bella:

How will you do that??

Alice:

-Mysteriously- I have my ways.

_Alice runs out of the room then disappears into the night_

Edward:

Oh no.

Bella:

What? _What? _WHAT?

Edward:

Mike's in for a lot of pain. Someone stole Alice's pretzels one time, let me just tell you, he ended up looking like a pretzel.

Bella:

Haha, Mike's gonna be a pretzel man.

_Alice is entering a dark room; all is black except for a glow coming from the computer screen on the other side of the room. Mike Newton is sitting in front of the computer screen playing what looks like World of Warcraft._

Alice:

-Whispering- Mike Newton.

Mike:

-Whirls around- WHOA!! Who said that??

Alice:

Your worst nightmare.

Mike:

Eric I left my Barbie in the garage, sorry.

Alice:

I'M NOT ERIC YOU FOOL!

Mike:

Well, then who are you?? Reaches for the light switch

_Alice manages to hide right before the lights come on _

Alice:

You've stolen Bella's goldfish for the last time Newton.

Mike:

Today was the first time!!

Alice:

-Pulls a small bag out of purse and holds it out- Do you know what these are Newton??

Mike:

No, I don't even know who you are!!

_Alice opens the bag and pulls out… FRUIT GUSHERS!!_

Alice:

You put this upon yourself Newton.

Mike:

MY NAME IS MIKE, CALL ME MIKE!!

Alice:

Okay Mike, if that is your real name, why did you steal Bella's goldfish??

Mike:

I don't know.

Alice:

WRONG ANSWER!! -Throws five fruit gushers at Mike-

Mike:

OW!!

Alice:

ONLY SPEAK WHEN SPOKEN TO!! -Throws five more fruit gushers at Mike- Oh crap, I'm out.

_Alice mysteriously disappears leaving a confused, injured Mike in the dust._

Mike:

Stupid gushing fruit snacks.


	3. Jasper's Offday

Author's Note:

Author's Note:

We write things that come straight out of our heads. A lot of times, these things don't make any sense at all. Please bear with us, and we will try our best to entertain you. Thank you so much for all the great comments you have left us, we are so grateful. Oh, and the words WE and US are being used because TeamJempwarth is a club created by a group of friends. You can join if you want (see our profile.) Now on to the story…

-

-

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_It was just another normal day in the Cullen household (well if you consider vampires normal, but normal for them.) Bella had been visiting a lot recently to get to know this coven (if you will) better. On this day, Bella was up in Edward's room listening to music and Edward was continuously asking her what she was thinking. Very normal. Very normal until Jasper entered the room._

Bella:

Hey Jasper!

Jasper:

Hey Blela! (Hey Bella)

Edward:

Jasper, why are you talking so funny??

Jasper:

Hnotlsey I hvae no ieda. (Honestly I have no idea)

Edward:

Jasper seriously, be mature.

Jasper:

Ewdrad, I'm not dinog tihs on prospue (Edward, I'm not doing this on pupose)

Bella:

Does he do this often??

Edward:

He never does this!

_Alice rushes into the room._

Alice:

Jasper, there you are!

Jasper:

Hey Aicle. (Hey Alice)

Alice:

Jasper, I thought I told you to stop talking like that!

Jasper:

OGM gyus, pelase blievee me! (OMG guys please believe me)

Alice:

Jasper, people can control their talking habits.

Jasper:

I cna't hlep it gyus!! (I can't help it guys!)

Alice:

Talk to the hand!

_Alice walks out of the room with her palm turned to Jasper_

_This "normal" day continues with Jasper talking funny and no one believing that he can't help it. However, Carlisle and Esme don't know of this strange happening. But soon Jasper's bizarre talking gets bizarrer (I know that's not a word, give me a break.)_

Jasper:

Edward, come here you sexy hunk!!

Alice:

Jasper's talking is normal!!

Edward:

-Shakes his head- Not really.

Jasper:

-Turns to Emmett- Emmett, have you been working out?? I like that in a man.

Alice:

Jasper??

Jasper:

Rosalie, your makeup isn't complementing your face today. We need to do spa treatments tonight.

Alice:

-Makes Jasper look at her- Jasper? Jasper! You are a guy!! A MALE!!

Jasper:

Ooh girl, don't touch me like that!!

Bella:

Ok, this is beyond weird.

Emmett:

Bella, when you're in a house full of vampires, you should expect weird.

Rosalie:

-Glares at Bella-

Alice:

CARLISLE!! CARLISLE COME HERE!!

_Carlisle glides into the room._

Carlisle:

What Alice? I was in the middle of Grey's Anatomy.

Alice:

Jasper is acting really weird and I'm worried.

_Carlisle approaches Jasper and examines him._

Carlisle:

Jasper, I think we need to have a minute in my office.

_Carlisle and Jasper walk up the stairs and into Carlisle's office. After just a few minutes, they walk down back down the staircase. _

Carlisle:

It's just his off-day.

Everyone:

Huh??

Carlisle:

A human goes through puberty, and this is what a vampire goes through. I simply call it an off-day because it only lasts for 24 hours.

Alice:

Well that's a relief, but what exactly is he going through??

Carlisle:

Well first, it was a brief speech impediment, then for the rest of the time… he will have a feminine day.

Emmett:

Haha, Jasper's having a gay day!

Carlisle:

He is about done with this part of it. After this, he will have a sugar craving then an emotional breakdown.

Edward:

-Sarcastically- Ooh, fun.

Jasper:

Does anyone have something really sweet on them??

Edward:

Umm, I think I have some chocolate in my room.

_Jasper uses his super speed to quickly run up to Edward's room._

Bella:

-Looks at Edward- No you don't.

Edward:

I know.

Alice:

Carlisle, why would a vampire have a human substance craving?

Carlisle:

I don't have any earthly idea.

Jasper (from upstairs:)

WHERE'S THE CHOCOLATE?!

Edward:

OH, IT MUST HAVE FALLEN OUT THE WINDOW!!

_CRASH!!_

Alice:

Did he just jump out the window?

Rosalie:

I think so.

_Jasper re-enters the room from the front door._

Edward:

Did you find the chocolate??

Jasper:

NO!! Shut up! You guys are so… so… so MEAN to me!!

Carlisle:

And there's the emotional breakdown.

Jasper:

-Starts to cry- FINE!! I guess that's it then!! You guys only want me around to TORTURE me!!

Emmett:

-Snickers-

_Jasper lets out a scream then stomps up the stairs._

Bella:

Does this happen to all vampires??

Carlisle:

Unless they were changed after they were 30, so it won't happen to Esme. But Edward and Rosalie will be the next ones.

Rosalie:

What happens to girls??

Carlisle:

Oh that's much more humorous. Girls grow a mustache for the day.

Rosalie:

NNNNOOOO!!


	4. For the love of all things scented

Alice:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ROSALIE!!

Rosalie:

Aww thanks Alice.

Edward:

Bella and I bought you the best gift ever!

Rosalie:

Oh Bella's coming??

Edward:

YUP!

Rosalie:

-Sarcastically- Yipee.

Emmett:

Hey Rosie Posie!

Rosalie:

Hey Teddy Bear!!

Edward:

Oh God.

Emmett:

Happy Birthday -Kisses Rosalie-

Rosalie:

Mmmmmm….

_Jasper enters._

Jasper:

Oh not again! I came in at the wrong time.

Rosalie:

-Pulls away- Meanie. It's my birthday, so I can do what I want!!

_Bella enters._

Bella:

Erm, happy birthday Rosalie.

Rosalie:

Like slap Bella for instance -Raises hand-

Edward:

-Catches hand- Rosalie…

_Bella stares at Rosalie in shock._

_The day passes uneventfully until that night when the party begins._

Rosalie:

How old am I now??

Edward:

Well in real life 93, but we're just gonna say 19.

Rosalie:

93??

Edward:

You look 18, calm down.

_The doorbell rings, then about 20 crazed teenagers come through the door. Soon, around 80 flood the house. The party begins._

Emmett:

Do you want to open presents now??

Rosalie:

Okay, sure.

Jasper and Alice:

OPEN MINE FIRST!!

Rosalie:

Okay. -Opens gift-

Rosalie:

Oh that's so cool! It's Coach perfume.

Edward:

Coach is yucky.

Rosalie:

Shut up Edward.

Emmett:

Open mine now.

Rosalie:

Sure. -Opens gift- Oh wow! It's a brand new stereo system!

Edward:

Mine's cooler.

Rosalie:

Edward, I'm going to kill you.

Carlisle:

Why don't you open mine and Esme's?

Rosalie:

Sure. - Opens gift – Ooh, Dolce & Gabbana sunglasses.

Edward:

You can't be out in the sun.

Rosalie:

-Stands up- Edward!! Like yours is gonna be any better!!

Edward:

Actually, Bella picked it out.

Bella:

-Shakes head- No I didn't.

Edward:

Hush. -Hands Rosalie gift-

Rosalie:

-Opens gift- A candle?? That's your amazing gift??

Edward:

Not just a candle. A_ scented _candle.

Rosalie:

Yeah, the other stuff is better.

Edward:

-Grabs Bella and walks away- You'll see.

_After a great night of dancing and cake and flashing lights, the party ends. Rosalie says goodnight to everyone then heads upstairs to her and Emmett's room with her gifts. Emmett is already in the room waiting for her._

Emmett:

You wanna hook up the stereo?!

Rosalie:

Sure.

_They hook up the stereo._

Emmett:

Why don't you light that candle?

Rosalie:

Whatever, this is a stupid gift.

Emmett:

-Shrugs- You'll use it won't you??

Rosalie:

I guess. -Lights candle-

Emmett:

OH! THAT SMELLS AWFUL!!

Rosalie:

Are you kidding me?? It smells like vanilla!

Emmett:

Stupid human substance.

Rosalie:

Why haven't I ever bought a scented candle before??

Emmett:

I don't know!

Rosalie:

THIS IS GREAT!!

Emmett:

Okay Rose, I get the point.

Rosalie:

It's like freshly baked cookies!!

Emmett:

Ok Rose.

Rosalie:

I could bathe in this scent!!

Emmett:

Okay Rosalie, shut up now.

Rosalie:

HOLY CRAP!! I LOVE SCENTED CANDLES!!

_By the next week, Rosalie had bought 27 different scented candles and Emmett had had to move into the den because the scent had made him nauseous. _

Edward:

-Smug- Rosalie, I'm sorry I didn't get you a better gift.

Rosalie:

Shut up, I'm still going to kill you.

Moral: Scented candles are amazing.


	5. American Idol Debate

Bella's POV:

I had just entered the Cullen household. No one was to be seen except for Alice who was watching TV. "Hey Alice! Whatcha watchin?" I asked.

Alice's POV:

I was minding my own business and then the _mortal _comes up and starts bugging me. "American Idol reruns," I said icily. "OMG! IT'S CHRIS DAUGHTRY!! HE'S THE BEST!!"

"Totally," Bella said.

Edward's POV:

I walked into the room because I heard Alice thinking about Bella coming over. They were saying stuff about American Idol. "What are you guys talking about?" I asked.

"Chris Daughtry's awesomeness," Alice said.

"Pfffff," I laughed, "what have you been smoking? Katherine McPhee is the best. Plus, she's soooo sexy." Then, Bella came up and slapped me. It didn't hurt. She was weak.

Rosalie's POV:

I walked into the room to glare at Bella. But then I overheard Edward saying some nonsense about how Katherine McPhee was the best. He worried me at times. "Are you guys cereal?" I asked. "Kelly Clarkson is BEAST!! She has girl power. Chris Daughtry and Katherine McPhee suck compared to her." Then Alice came up and pulled my hair. It got all frizzy, which made me angry. I ran and tried to jump on her, but I missed. I landed on a lamp – it hurt. Then, I noticed I had broken a nail. It was on!

Jasper's POV:

I enter the room at all the wrong times. I came into the room to find Rosalie holding Alice above her head screaming something about a chipped nail. I looked over at Edward and Bella – they were making out. Again. But _then, _I heard the two sacred words 'American Idol.' "CARRIE UNDERWOOD OWNS!!" I screamed. Everyone looked at me like they had just found out I had herpes or something (which I don't, or do I?) Then, they all charged at me and knocked me to the floor. Even Alice! That traitor.

Emmett's POV:

Esme had just bought me the coolest pair of Superman undies _eva!!_ I looked so hood! I had gone into the room to show off my amazing underwear (I even added multicolored spandex and a cape to the look. Why, you ask. Because I'm sexy and I can do what I want.) "HEY GUYS!" I screamed. "LOOK! I'M SPAN MAN!!" They looked up. Rosalie ran out of the room in tears. She was screaming something about how I didn't care about her and her reputation. Screw her reputation. Then I heard my two favorite words, 'American Idol.' OMG!! That show is like… better than grizzly bear blood! Just kidding – that stuff is delicious. But anyways, I couldn't contain myself, I screamed out "SANJAYA IS THE MOST AMAZING CONTESTANT EVA!! PEOPLE MAKE FUN OF HIS HAIR, BUT I THINK IT MAKES HIM LOOK SCHMEXY!!" Edward just glared at me. Bella looked scared. Alice and Jasper laughed. And Rosalie… she was still screaming from upstairs.

Alice's POV:

I couldn't understand why I couldn't just watch my show in peace. But I had to admit, it was pretty funny watching Emmett running around in his Span Man suit. Well anyways, Chris Daughtry owns.

**WOO! That was definitely my favorite one. I **_**love **_**Emmett. It's so fun to make him look like a total idiot. This is for my friends who are rolling their eyes at me right now. I'M SPAN MAN!! WHOOSH!!**


	6. Weight Challenged

Emmett's POV:

Emmett's POV:

I didn't understand how a perfectly normal day could turn so… EVIL! I've been tired of not being able to sleep, so I've been pretending. I've been trying to count sheep, but I get distracted. So I've been counting garden gnomes instead, it's much more entertaining – they're pink.

Rosalie had moved out of our room because she said I wasn't acknowledging her personal feelings. Sometimes I want to shoot her, but that would upset Carlisle; he's scary when he's angry. He throws microwaves.

Anyways, I "woke up" and skipped down the hallway. Edward complained because I was shaking the whole house, so I threw him out the window. Then I went downstairs.

"Hey Rose!" I said when I saw her. She was watching the beauty network. "Rosalie, TV is bad for your brain."

She stood up and approached me. "EMMETT!" she screamed. "YOU ARE SOO INSENSITIVE!"

"Your face is unusually red," I commented, "that isn't healthy."

"EMMETT!" she screams a lot. "STOP INSULTING ME!" she stormed off. I laughed.

Then Alice came up. "Hello Emmett!" she said.

"ALICE!" I shrieked.

"WHAT? WHAT?" she screamed.

"Oh my Carlisle, you're like… short." I commented.

"You know what Emmett?" she said. "You're fat!"

"GASP!!" I screamed. "MY FIGURE IS OUT OF SHAPE?!"

"Did you just call Emmett fat?" Jasper asked.

"Yes," Alice said.

Then Edward came up. "He is kinda fat, isn't he?"

"I'M NOT FAT!!" I yelled. "IT'S CALLED WEIGHT CHALLENGED!!"

"He's like… elephant sized," Edward said.

"No way," Jasper said. "He's more like… a whale."

A WHALE?! NO!! NOT MY FAVORITE GIANT MAMMAL!!

"If he wore yellow one day, he'd look like a school bus," Edward said.

"He better not wear yellow!" Alice screamed. "It'll clash!"

I hated fat jokes. So I ran upstairs and grabbed my gun. It helped me catch my prey because I was… SLOW!! I CRAP I WAS FAT!!

"ESME!" I screamed. "I NEED YOUR PILATES VIDEOS!"


	7. Alices Diary

Emmett's POV:

* * *

Today Started Like Any Other Day. Like Usual I Got Bored And Decided To Bother Eddie-Poo. But First... I Ran Into Alice's Bathroom. I Dug Through The Cabinets And Drawers Until I Found It. I Found Alice's Diary Under A Pamphlet For A.I.D.S.

"Edward!!" I Screamed.

"WHAT EMMETT!!" Edward Screamed Back At Me. He Practically Spat The Words At Me.

"Well I'm SOORRY If You Don't Wanna Get Some Sweet Revenge On Alice." I Replied In A Gay Boy Tone.

"Oh Do Tell." Edward Said Amused. "Wait Never Mind I Know Now."

Eddie And I Started Planning Our Plot When Jasper Skipped Into The Room. "I Heard What Your Planning To Do And I'm Gonna Tell Alice!"

Oh Sweet Mother Of Crap!! I Quickly Grabbed Jasper By His Girly Hair And Tied Him To A Chair By His Hair. Jasper Started Screaming And Kicking The Floor. "Calm Down Or I Steal El Guapo Pablo Hernandez Junior Again!" I Whispered In His Ear With A Menacing Tone. He Quickly Calmed Down. With A Sniffle And A Sob He Disappeared In A Puff Of Smoke.

"Omg He's Magic!" Edward Screamed With Delight.

"Edward Shut Up Or Alice Will Hear You!" I Screeched At Him.

Alice Barged In And Grabbed Edward By His Ear And Screamed "Tell Me The Truth Or Dumbo Here Loses An Ear And He'll Have To Fly Around In Circles!!"

"I Will Never Tell You!" Edward Yelled.

Just Then Jasper Reappeared In A Puff Of Smoke. "OMG Jaspers Magic!" Edward Screamed. Alice Yanked On His Ear. "OW"

"Alice!! I Know Their Plan!" Jasper Said. "They Were Planning To Sell Your Diary On The Internet!"

Alice Screamed In Rage And Fury. She Yanked Off Edward's Ear And Went For Mine. I Jumped Out The Window And Ran All The Way To La Push. Jacob Started Screaming And Cussing Then He Started Chasing After Me. Eventually Alice And Jacob Lost Interest And They Went Off To Bother Sam And Emily.

I Decided To Visit Bella. I Walked In The Door To Bella's House. I See Her And Edward Running Around Looking For Super Glue, For The Incident. - Cough -

**I Know It Sucks. Stay With Me It's My First Fan Fiction **


	8. Foreheads and Weiner Dogs

Edward's POV:

Bella And I Were Sitting On The Couch Watching A Documentary On Wiener Dogs Gone Wild. I Wasn't Really Paying Attention. Charlie Would Be Home Soon. I Would Receive A Very "Warm" Welcome From Charlie.

"Bella, Love Shouldn't We Go To My House." I Said.

"SHUT UP EDWARD!" She Yelled, "I Want To See The Mating Dance Of The Wiener Dogs."

Emmett Burst Through The Door, Breaking It. "Holy String Cheese!" He Screamed. He Crawled Under The Rug Like A Dead Caterpillar. "The Mutant Wiener Dogs Are After Me!" The Floor Was Vibrating Like A Massage Chair.

"What?" I Asked.

"Look Out The Window." Emmett Replied.

Sure Enough The Yard Was Infested With Wiener Dogs, Mustached Wiener Dogs. "SWEET CRUD MUFFINS!!" Bella Screamed, "Where The Heck Did They All Come From."

"Well I Thought I Would Have Some Fun And I Let All The Wiener Dogs Loose At The Pet Store." Emmett Said.

I Wanted To Strangle Him But My Hands Wouldn't Fit Around His Fat Neck!

"We Have A Pet Store?" Bella Asked. "Bella, Do You Even Care That Charlie's Going To Be Home Any Minute And Your Yard Is Filled With Hot Dog Shaped Animals." I Asked.

A Car Door Slammed. Luckily It Was Only Alice. But, There Was A Strange Smell. Alice Walked In And A Girl With A Giant Forehead Followed. Everyone Stared Including Emmett.

"Hi, This Is My Friend Rachel." Alice Said While Motioning To Rachel.

Emmett POV:

Holy Crap!! She Has A Huge Forehead I Thought To Myself. I Decided Not To Say Anything In Fear Of What Alice Did To Edward Would Happen To Me. (Chpt. 7)

"Ummmm, Hello." Bella Murmured, "My Name Is"

" I Know Who You Are!" Rachel Screamed As She Went And Hugged Bella.

Rachel Ran Towards Edward With Her Arms Outstretched. Edward Fainted Like A Little Girl.

"Why Did He Faint?" Rachel Asked.

"Because Your Foreheads Huge!" I Exclaimed, "It Probably Scared Him."

Rachel Ran Outside Crying And The Wiener Dogs Ran In Fear Of Her Forehead. Alice Had To Chase Her And Drag Her Back Into The House. She Almost Got Away Again But We Promised That She Could Hug Edward When He Woke Up. She Jumped With Glee In Her Fan Girl Ways.

Bella And Rachel Sat Down On Top Of Edward Like He Was A Sofa.

"Emmett Why Would You Say That!" Alice Screamed.

"Only Because It's True And I Cannot Tell A Lie! Just Like That Abraham Lincoln Guy." I Said.

"That's George Washington You Idiot." Alice said.

"No It's That Guy Who Chopped Down The Peach Tree." I Said. "CHERRY TREE EMMETT!" Alice Yelled. Then She Pounced On Me. Bella Pulled Some Popcorn Out From Behind Her Back. Rachel Pulled Out A Gerard Action Figure. "Here Little Gee Eat The Popcorn." Rachel Cooed. She Shoved The Popcorn In The Doll's Face.

**5 Minutes Later**

"Fine Alice I Won't Say Anything About Rachel." I Said As I Rubbed My Numb Arm.

"Good." Alice Sneered.

"Bella Where Is The Paper?" I Asked.

"Office" She Said While Dressing The Gerard Doll With Rachel.

I Ran And Grabbed A Piece Of Paper And Wrote A Sign. I Took Some Tape And Stuck It To Rachel's Forehead. It Said: **WORLD'S LARGEST FOREHEAD.**

"**Emmett!!" Alice Screamed.**

"**What! I Didn't Say Anything!" I Said.**

**Then Charlie Walked In And Fainted At The Sight Of Alice Giving Me Wedgie. I Ran Out Into The Night Once She Let Go. Then I Saw Rachel On The Sidewalk, The Sign Still Attached To Her Forehead. She Was Stroking The Gerard Doll Mumbling About My Precious. I Didn't Have Time To Concentrate Because Alice Was Chasing After Me. **

**Bella's POV:**

**I Was Looking At Edward Still Fainted On My Floor. Then At Charlie Who Fainted In The Doorway. I Saw Edward Sit Up And Rub His Head. "What Happened?" He Asked. "Oh Nothing Out Of The Ordinary." I Laughed. **


	9. Mexico Road Trip

Alice's POV:

Alice's POV:

I walked down the stairs with a brilliant plan in my head. Cabo, Mexico had recently had a snowstorm that killed everyone, very tragic. The city was abandoned and still dark, HOORAY!

The first person (well not person, but whatever) I saw was Edward. "EDWARD!" I screamed.

He jumped like pansy he was. "What Alice?" he acted so mature, but he wasn't. He was only 17. PISHAH!

"WE'RE GOING TO MEXICO!!" I screamed. Again.

"Didn't they just have a snowstorm that killed everyone?" he asked.

He asked too many questions. Sometimes I just wanted to tie him to a chair and put duct over his mouth. But that would be mean. "Exactly," I said deviously

He laughed at the thought of dead people. I slapped him.

I eventually told everyone else, including Bella – which made Rosalie mad. Then, we headed out to Mexico.

Rosalie's POV:

I was pretty excited about the Cabo trip, until I found out that I was sitting next to Bella. I filed my nails the whole drive. Mexico was very dark, and cold. Perfect.

Emmett's POV:

When we got to Cabo I wanted to go swimming, but Rosalie didn't want to screw up her hair. She bugged me. So I went with the guys. The girls went to a bar.

Bella's POV:

I was being dragged to a bar even though I wasn't old enough, but Rosalie's looks would take care of that. We arrived at the bar in no time. There was only a bartender and a hot man there. Rosalie immediately went and sat down by the hot man. How dare she cheat on Emmett!

Rosalie's POV:

There was a smexy man sitting in the bar. I couldn't help but be attracted. I sat next to him. "Hey cutie, what's your name?" I asked. His eyes widened and he turned away. WhAt?! He wasn't attracted to me?! I went and sat in his lap. "Excuse me, I asked you a _question!!_" I sneered.

He turned to get a quick glance at my party. Alice was trying to hold Bella up. Apparently, she had had too many things to drink. Loser.

WAIT! Was he attracted to Bella?! NOOOOOOO!

Then Emmett…

Emmett's POV:

I walked into the bar to find my Rosalie in the lap of another man. "HEY PUNK!" I screamed. "HANDS OFF MY WOMAN!!" He dropped her on the floor. I laughed at her. Then she came up and slapped me.

Jasper's POV:

Haha, Rose slapped Emmett again. I laugh. MUAHAHA!! Then I saw it, The Beaver Hat. This strangely attractive man was wearing a ball cap, but not just a ball cap – oh no. This ball cap had beavers on it. "OMG!! THAT DUDE HAS BEAVERS ON HIS HAT!!"

Then he approached me, all mad and stuff. He jabbed me with his finger. Then he said it. "I'M A GIRL!!" she screamed. WHAT?? Did _she _just say that?

Rosalie's POV:

I felt nauseous. I just flirted with a girl!! "EMMETT!!" I screamed.

"Yes, my love?" he said. He was so attentive.

"I WANT TO GO HOME!!"

He looked at Alice. "Can we?" he asked politely. I hate polite.

"Why should we ruin the fun??"

Edward's POV:

The day had been tiring. In one arm I held a drunken Bella, in the other a Bloody Mary. YUMMYLICIOUS! I asked the bartender to make me another one in Spanish, but he was confused.

"What??" he asked.

"Don't Mexicans speak Spanish?" I asked.

He stared at me, "I suppose so, but you're in Canada kid."

CANADA?!


	10. Foreheads And Wiener Dogs Returns

**The Continuation Of Foreheads And Wiener Dogs:**

Jasper's POV:

I Was In My Room Hiding In The Corner Because Of The Wiener Dogs That Were Surrounding My House. I Was Rocking Back And Forth, "It's Going To Be Ok I Told Myself," For The 75th Time. Those Floppy Ears And Pink Noses, The Devil's Nose! Jacob Ran Into My Room.

"I Finally Imprinted!" He Yelled.

"That's Great, Now Get Out." I Said.

"Don't You Want To Know Who I Imprinted On Or What."

"Not Really."

"It's That Wiener Dog Out There With The Bow." Pointing Out My Window. "Hi, Honey!" He Yelled Out The Window.

I Pushed Him Out The Window. He Landed On His "Honey". I Snickered.

Edward Ran Into My Room, Have These People Ever Heard Of Knocking?

"Hide Me!" He Yelled.

"Why?" I Asked.

"Three Words: Fan Girls." He Replied.

"HOLY GERARD!" I Heard A Scream From The Hallway.

Then A Girl With A Rather Large Forehead Ran Into My Room. Followed By A Spunky Brunette.

The Massive Forehead Girl Tripped On My Rug And Hit Her Head And Was Knocked Out.

"Now That She's Out Of The Picture." The Spunky Brunette Said, "There's More Time For US."

"What's Your Name?" Edward Asked.

"Anna."

"How Lovely."

Then The Spunky Brunette Named Anna Fainted.

"I Need Mouth To Mouth!" She Yelled.

"ANNA!"

He Leaned Over. "Mama's HOME!" Bella Yelled After She Slammed The Door. She Walked In The Door With Alice. Bella Gasped And Alice Screamed " Look It's Rachel!" Then Bella Screamed Because She Thought Alien Babies Were Taking Over.

Edward Immediately Stood Up And Straightened His Shirt. Then Bella Slapped Him.

"Don't Slap My Man!" Anna Yelled. Then She Slapped Bella, Knocking Her To The Floor. I Watched In Amazement At The Cat Fight. Bella Was Doing Terrible. Then Anna Ran Out Of The Room Screaming "Pool Party!" Then We Heard A Splash. We All Rushed To See What Had Happened. We Saw Anna And Rosalie In The Pool. Wait…. Where Did Rosalie Come From?

"My Makeup Is Smearing!" Rosalie Screamed.

"The Alien Baby Is Back," Emmett Screamed As He Ran Out To Join Us, "And Its Got A Gerard Doll!"

"Excuse Meeeeeeeeehhhhh, It's An _Action Figure_." Rachel Said As She Walked Outside.

Emmett Ran In The House Screaming. 10 Seconds Later He Came Back Out With Another Sign. It Said:** "I'M FROM NEPTUNE!" **Then He Stuck It On Rachel's Massive Forehead. Then He Grabbed Her Gerard Doll And Threw It In The Pool.

"Look It's Little Gee!" Anna Exclaimed. Then She Started Chewing On Its Head. Rachel Had A Seizure, Then I Laughed.

**MORAL OF THE STORY: WEAR WATERPROOF MAKEUP!**

**(A/N We Get A lot Of These Ideas From Real Life Experience. All Of These Characters Are Real Not Including The Twilight 1's. Rachel Is Real And She Is Obsessed With Gerard Way. Anna loves Edward. And The Beaver Hat Guy Story Is Real.) **


	11. Bowling

Alice's POV:

Alice's POV:

I had another brilliant idea. I had heard about the newest shoe style – bowling shoes. But there's only one place to find them, and I don't know where. I walked down the stairs. "EDWARD!!" I screamed when I saw him.

Again he jumped, MUAHAHA!! "ALICE!!" he screamed back, he was annoying. "WHAT?!"

I felt like I needed to scream a lot. "WELL, I SAW AN AD FOR BOWLING SHOES AND I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO FIND THEM!!"

"TRY THE BOWLING ALLEY!!" he sounded annoyed. The Bowling Alley?? Where was that??

"I'M GONNA NEED YOU DRIVE ME!!"

"Bella has to come, too."

"Then Jasper comes."

"Then Emmett comes."

"Then Rosalie and Jacob come!"

"No," he said too quickly. Before he knew it, he was being dragged out by his thumbs to my car. He was followed by Bella, Jasper, Emmett, Rosalie (who was mad because Bella was coming,) and Jacob with his wiener dog sweetheart.

Edward drove us to a stinky old building. We walked inside. Why were we in a haunted house? I grabbed onto Jasper. "Jasper, I'm scared!" I whispered.

"You're the one who wanted to come here," he said.

WHAT?? This was a bowling alley?? NNNNOOOO!! Then I was forced into some used shoes and given a heavy ball.

Emmett walked up to something called a lane first. He threw his heavy ball and it landed on the floorboards with a crash. He BrOkE tHe FlOoRbOaRdS!! MUAHAHA!!

Then Jacob was up. He had insisted on not using a ball, so I was scared. Then, he randomly turned into a wolf and ran towards the bowling pins. The staff of the bowling alley had to call animal control. It was funny watching Jacob and his wiener dog sweetheart being carried away by random mortals.

Then Bella was up. She rolled the ball and it immediately went into some gutter thing. This made Edward mad. He's funny when he's mad.

Then I looked over at Jasper. He was stroking his bowling ball mumbling "my precious." I laughed again.

"ALICE!!" I heard Emmett yell.

"What?!" I snapped.

"It's your turn," he said. So I walked up to this lane with my ball. I rolled the ball and it hit all the pins, knocking them over. I got mad. "WHERE DID ALL THE PINS GO?!" I screamed. Everyone was trying to explain to me that that was a good thing, but I wouldn't listen. I told everyone we were leaving. Everyone returned his or her shoes, except for me. We ran out of the bowling alley. "You'll never take me alive!" I screamed. Then Edward drove like a maniac and we arrived back at the house in twenty seconds.

Jacob was laying in our front yard (human form) cussing up a storm. I slapped him saying there were girls present. Then Emmett threw Jacob far. I don't know where he landed, but it was funny.


	12. Rosalie's Hair

I love you guys who have stuck it out through all of our chapters – even though some really sucked

**I love you guys who have stuck it out through all of our chapters – even though some really sucked. -Cough- Anna. Anyways, this is Anna writing. Again. I have no idea what to write about, so this should be interesting for all of us.**

Bella's POV:

It was a normal day, I guess. Well actually, no day is normal anymore. I was singing quietly to myself. "Edward had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb…"

Rosalie's POV:

Oh God. Bella was here again, and this time she was singing. Loudly. And badly. YIKES! Then she came up and started poking me.

"WHAT?" I snapped at her.

"Rosalie, you're being a tad too loud. Could you turn it down a bit?"

HUH?? "Oh, _I'm _being loud?!"

"Yeah," she said, "and you're breathing my air."

SHE WAS SO STUCK UP! I lifted up my hands and pushed her. She fell. I walked away happily. But then Edward appeared out of nowhere and lifted me up by my hair.

"HEY!!" I screamed. "PUT ME DOWN!!"

"Gladly," he said. No good could come from this.

Next thing I knew I was sitting down outside. I was by the garage door. I tried to stand up, but I couldn't. I looked around to see what was holding me down. Then I saw it. My hair was tied in a knot around a handle on the garage door. Edward was going to _die _once I untied myself.

Emmett's POV:

Esme had just appointed me 'Her Little Angel.' That meant I got to help her clean the house. WOO! We were cleaning the windows today. They were really dirty because Edward and Jasper were throwing birds at them. But they stopped because I went out there and pimp slapped them.

Esme needed more Windex, so I had to go buy some more. I was going to Wally World!! I walked into the garage to get into my Jeep. I pressed the button to open the garage door, but then I heard a scream. It sounded like Rosalie. Oh no. I got out of my Jeep and ran outside. There she was. Rosalie was dangling from the garage door by her hair. I couldn't help but laugh. She started to kick her legs in a sad attempt to hurt me.

"ROSALIE!" I screamed. "CAN YOU GET DOWN?!"

"No, you idiot!" she snapped. She was mean.

"Rosalie, I'll pull you down," I said.

"WAIT, EMMETT, WAIT!" she screamed.

But I didn't I pulled her down and I heard a rip. When she was down I saw her hair. It was now short. I looked up. The rest of her hair was on the garage door. Then I heard her scream, so I ran to my Jeep for safety. I drove away leaving her crying in the doorway.

**Okay, I just totally made that up as I went along. This one totally sucks. Sorry guys. **


	13. Spaz Attacks and Acronyms

Edward's POV

It started out like any other day. Bella came over after wasting the night away sleeping (low energy, PSH!). Emmett and his "homies" threw together a stupid plan to annoy me. Jasper is continuously interrupting his gayness to yell at Emmett. Alice is dancing around with a fashion magazine jabbering about the mall and shopping. Rosalie is glued to the mirror (well, literally, that was Emmett's fault). Esme is cleaning every inch of the house when she isn't sneaking in to play the Xbox. And Carlisle is stowed away in his PERFECT office. But something about today was going to be different. I'm not sure if Jasper is playing with my emotions, or I'm having an Alice premonition moment, or what. But I'm sure of it.

"Edwaaarrrd!" Bella sang from downstairs.

"Yes Bella?"

"Can you come help me with something?"

"Sure" I say and speed down to her wit h curiosities burning inside me…you know, life would be so much easier if I could just read her mind!! "What do you need help with?"

"Well, I'm getting back at Emmett for using my bras as sling-shots to hit Jasper with pears. I have created a revenge plan, but I need help."

Jasper speeds down the stairs. "Do I sense revenge against Emmett?"

"Yup" Bella and I replied together.

"Then I'm in, as long as it doesn't involve pears," Jasper winces, "those evil EVIL pears!!" We lean in to listen to Bella's marvelous plan.

-2 hours and a well devised plan later-

"He should be home any minute now" Bella laughed evilly as she stared around at our work.

"This is going to be HILARIOUS! I'll gather the family. They won't want to miss this!" I darted off and collected everyone else, including Rosalie who I had to pry from the very sticky mirror. She complained about her ruined complexion. _PSH! Girls._

We were all sitting and waiting, when suddenly we heard a car pull up. In fact, I think I heard _two_ cars!

"I'm ho-"Emmett began to call as he burst in the door, but he stopped short when he saw what we had done.

"N-n-n-n-n-no!! Y-y-you didn't!! I-i-i-it's t-t-the CARDBOARD BOXES!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Emmett's POV

I charged upstairs, away from the living room which was covered in cardboard boxes. Worst of all was the HUGE box ready for me to walk into it.

_Not this time Evil Cardboard Box Demons! Not ever! You shall never catch the __**Emmenator**__!!_

I sighed in relief as I opened the door into my room, my sanctuary, my safety net, my-

"Nooooo! Not here! Not this! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!! I ran from my room screeching like a little girl who's just seen a spider.

Bella's POV

Emmett came crashing and screaming down the stairs. "How could you?" he snarled.

_Wow, Emmett's angry! That's unusual. _I thought with a smug smile on my face. I crossed my arms across my chest, "Well it's what you deserve for using my undergarments as toys"

Esme and Carlisle gazed at Emmett in shock. _Ha_, I thought, _He's going to get it now!_

Emmett turned innocent and began to whimper "B-b-b-but you filled my room with water and r-r-r-rubber d-d-duckies. You know that they are my greatest fear, other than cardboard boxes"

"Yes Emmett, I know, and I'm sorry, but you needed to learn a lesson" I suddenly felt guilty for hurting him. "I promise to have it all cleaned up as soon as possible"

Edward's POV

I had been enjoying this little scene with a very distressed and upset Emmett, until Bella promised to clean everything up. _Awwwww man! And he was REALLY freaked out too!!_

Bella gestured for me to help her clean up along with Alice, Jasper, Esme, and Carlisle. Rosalie was escorting a trembling, thumb-sucking, whimpering Emmett slowly up the stairs. It was funny to read his thoughts…

_No more cardboard! No more wa-wa _(water)_! No more ducky! Oh, WAIT! What if they all team up?! The water could jump inside the cardboard box of doom. And then the rubber ducky would hop in the water and float there with those menacing eyes! Those EVIL menacing eyes! Oh! And the Quack-quack! NOOOO! Not the Quack-quack! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!_

I stopped reading Emmett's thoughts because something else came to my attention that I had not noticed before. Someone else's thoughts were mixed in with my families. And a breeze blew a new smell in from the still open door.

_A human!_ (other than Bella) And there, standing in the doorway was the thing I had overlooked. I guess I hadn't noticed at first when Emmett's HUGE, hulking body hauled through the door. And in all the excitement I hadn't sensed the new thoughts and smell. _How strange._

Bella's POV

"…Edward? EDWARD?! Would you snap out of it?! Did you even hear a word I said?! EDWARD?! WHAT ARE YOU STARE-OH!!" I gasped when I saw that we were not alone.

Standing in full-view of all the Cullens (except Emmett and Rosalie who were probably off cuddling somewhere. _GAG!!_ Cuddling is only cute when Edward and I do it! ) was a young girl of about thirteen. She stood slumped over with her mouth wide open, gawking at what lay out before her.

"Uh-oh…" Jasper murmured behind me.

"This can't be good" Alice added, slipping under Jasper's arm.

"Kids…" Carlisle commanded "…go upstairs and stay there. Except Edward, you stay here"

As Alice, Jasper, and I slowly headed upstairs the girl snapped out of her weird trance.

"OME!! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! FTLOE!! IS IT REALLY YOU?" she squealed as she darted inside and started sniffing.

Edward's POV

I stared in awe as the girl sniffed around the room. "Excuse me? What did you say? Was that slang?"

"Oh sorry," the girl blushed "OME means 'Oh My Edward', and FTLOE means 'For The Love Of Edward'" Her face grew a brighter red. "Edward being you of course. Me and my friends, we LOVE you!!"

I glanced at Carlisle to see his reaction because for some reason he was blocking his thoughts. Him…and ALICE! _That's strange. Maybe Alice saw something and told Carlisle, but they don't want to tell me. Hmmmmmmmmmm…._

Just as our visitor seemed to be getting calm, something WEIRD happened.

"Edward, I LOVE YOU!!" She was screaming and bouncing around. Then she jumped on my back and continued screeching, "I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you!!"

"Ok, seriously….who are you?" I almost growled, and instantly regretted it when her expression turned to that of hurt and all of her excitement ceased. "Ummm…I'm sor-" But I was cut off.

"I'm Samantha! Or Sammy! Or Sam! Or Sammy C!! AND I LOVE YOOOUUU!!" she blurted in a big flurry of words as she returned to her bouncy, flouncy self.

"I see…Bella!"

The fan girl continued with her weirdness, "Oh! I love Bella like a sister! She is SOOOOO nice! And SOOOOO swee-OWWW!!" Bella slapped her.

Samantha smiled, "Awwwwwww, thanks! You know, Edward was always right in picking you."

Bella softened up a bit and ended her raging fury. But seeing as the fan girl was still bouncing on my back, she became worried.

"Ummm, Edward…..?" **(A/N: OME! I JUST NOTICED THAT BELLA'S INTITALS ARE "BS"!! GET IT? HAHAHAHAHAHA!!)**

"Bella…this _**FREAKO **_just started jumping all over me…" I answered her un-asked question.

Sammy C gasped, "HE CALLED ME A FREAKO!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" And she ran out of the house screaming, after running into a wall first.

I stood there, dazed. Behind me I could hear Emmett and Jasper snickering and Alice whispering "I told you so" to Carlisle.

"I knew something strange was going to happen today! Oh well, just another bizarre, spazming fan girl" I whispered under my breath.

"Freako _**AND **_Bizarre, Spazming Fan girl?! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! I'M ON A ROLL!!

**Written by Sammy C, another Jempwarth member ! :D**


	14. Quarter Bomb

(A/N:) Okay, I'm making another fanfiction because I don't like being made fun of for my tiny lips ways

**(A/N:) Okay, I'm making another fanfiction because I don't like being made fun of for my tiny lips ways. By the way – they are **_**not **_**as tiny as Rachel made them out to be. Oh, and Rachel doesn't have a big forehead either. She did in kindergarten though. It was hilarious. So, I'm not gonna make fun of my friends on this one. Anyways, on to the story. **

**-Anna**

Emmett's POV:

Today started out weird again. I was walking (well skipping, actually) down the hallway when I saw Bella. She was spinning around in circles mumbling something about the color yellow. So I walked past her, but of course I threw a quarter at her first. It hit her head and she fell down. But then she got up. AWWWWW!

"What's this?" she asked herself while picking up the quarter. "It's shiny. And circular. OME!! This must be a bomb!!"

Then she whirled past me, but she doesn't have vampire speed. I laugh.

Bella's POV:

I had just discovered a bomb and I was scared. So I ran to Edward.

"EDWARD!!" I screamed.

He turned around. "Yes, my love?"

I held up the bomb. "Edward, do you know what this is?!"

"A quarter?"

"NO! Edward, how could you be so naïve??"

He looked mad. "Then what is it?"

My eyes widened. "A bomb."

"A BOMB!" he shrieked. "OH NO! GET IT AWAY!" He slapped it out of my hand.

"EDWARD!" I screamed. "YOU COULD HAVE JUST BLOWN UP YOUR WHOLE HOUSE!!"

"OH NO!! THAT SHINY IS EVIL!!"

I ran to pick it up. "Where shall we dispose of this devil creation?"

"My backyard?"

"NO! It could blow up your house!"

"Oh, hmm…"

Then Jasper came up and slapped our foreheads. "COULD'VE HAD A V8!" he screamed. Then he ran away.

"OH NO!" Edward squealed. "I DIDN'T HAVE MY DAILY DOSE OF V8 JUICE THIS MORNING!! I'M GOING TO TURN INTO A SAVAGE WHO LIVES OFF OF DIRT!" Then he ran and went emo in a corner.

"Edward," I slapped him, "where are we putting this evil shiny bomb?"

"OOH!!" he squealed in delight. "Let's put it under Jacob's bed!"

So we drove to La Push laughing maliciously. MUAHAHA! Then we arrived at Jacob's house. Edward said he'd wait in the car because he didn't want to catch the ugly. So I slipped in Jake's window. He was asleep. He snored loud!

I silently slipped the bomb under his sheets. I giggled then ran to the window. I forgot to jump, so I ran into the wall. It hurt. Then I _jumped _out the window and waited in the yard for the explosion.

Then I heard a girlish squeal. "OOH! A QUARTER!! I'M PUTTING THIS IN MY PIGGY BANK! Here you go Mr. Oinkers.

OH! Backfire! I ran to the car and we drove away.

**Moral of the story: Always drink your V8 juice.**

**(A/N) I'm sorry that story was terrible. Maybe one of my buddies will write a better one.**


	15. Rabies

**I Felt Bad For Making Fun Of Rachel's Forehead. P Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, I'm Writing Something To Make Up For It! xD. Oh And I Was The Girl Shaking Her Head Back And Forth. I Really Was... Scary!**

**Marie (P.S. Squiggles Rock!)**

**Alice P.O.V**

Today I Wanted To Beat Emmett Up For Making Fun Of Rachel. GAWD! Then I Saw It... THE FOREHEAD! I Was Walking Down The Street When I Saw This Hobo With A Massive Forehead!! He Had A Name Tag That Said:

**Hello My Name Is:**

**Philip.**

"Come Here Philip!!" I Yelled.

I Ran Towards Philip With A Sack, Of DOOOOOM! He Ran Fast For Being Short. I Grabbed Him My His Name Tag And Shoved Him In The Bag. I Dragged Him Across The Sidewalk To My House. I Didn't Have To But... I Had To Soften Him Up. BWAHAHA!

**Bella P.O.V**

I Was At Edward's House, Again. Eating Fruit Loops!! But They Started Getting All Soggy! I Left It On The Counter. I Knew Esme Would Have A Heart Attack. But I Would Just Blame Jasper... Sucker! He'd Have To Spend Another Night In The Freezer. The Door Bel Rang. I Stood Up To Answer It. When I Got There Alice Was Already Standing There With Her Cell Phone Out.

"Alice, Who Was At The Door?" I Asked.

"Shut Up I'm On The Phone With Rachel!" She Answered.

"Fine."

There Was A Light Shining In My Eyes. I Looked Around. The Light Was Being Reflected Off Of A Boy's Forehead. Was That Rachel? Because His Forehead Was HUGE!!

Yet Again The Door Bell Rang. Alice Opened The Door. It Was Rachel.

"OH MY GERARD!!" Rachel Screamed. Her Forehead Was Reflecting Light Too. "It's My Long Lost Simease Twin Brother!"

"Huh?"I Said.

"Him!" She Said Pointing At The Boy With A Large Forehead. His Name Tag Said His Name Was Philip. "Except We're Not Simease Or Twins!!"

Rachel Ran To The Stereo And Pressed The Play Button. An Annoying Song Started To Play. "This Is For You Philip!" Rachel Screamed. "I Don't What They Say I'm In Love With You. Keep Keep Bleeding LOVE!!"

Anna, The Spunky Brunntte Ran In Through The Open Door Screaming, "Make It Stop! Make It Stop! It Burns!!" She Was Running Around In Circles With Her Hands Over Her Ears. Alice Slapped Her. She Fell On The Floor Twitching Amd Foam Coming Out Of Her Mouth.

Emmett Walked In And Started Cracking Up. He Was Pointing At Anna. "Looks Like Jane Found Another Victim!" He Yelled.

Edward Ran In And Slapped Him. "Emmett, Let Us Not Blame Jane. This Girl Simply Has Rabies."

"HA! She Got Rabies From Jake!" I Yelled.

"I DO NOT HAVE RABIES!" Jake Screamed From Somewhere. Upstairs?

We All Ran Upstairs. We Left Rachel Who Was Hitting On Philip And Anna Who Was Still Twitching On The Floor.

There In Rosalie And Emmett's Room Was Jake And Rosalie Sitting On The Couch Making Out. Emmett Picked Up Jake And Threw Him Out The Window. Rosalie Stood Up And Straightened Her Hair.

"Rosalie, How Could U Cheat On Emmett Again!" I Said.

" Well..-"

We Heard A Loud Yelp And A Long String Of Curse Words. We Looked Outside To Find Jacob Being Beaten By His Wiener Dog Sweetheart.

We All Started Laughing. Except Rosalie Who Was Being Dragged Out By Her Hair By Emmett. I Think He Was Going Tp Put Her Hair In The Blender Again.

**(A/N: Yeah Sorry I Never Put Myself In The Story. ' I Will...Eventually...Maybe...Never...Idk.3)**


	16. The Puppy

A/N: Hey pallies

A/N: Hey pallies! So… Anna here! OH YES! So I'm finally writing another fanfiction. BE HAPPY! Oh… By the way… JONATHAN IS MINE! MINE!

Bella's POV:

I was sad. I drove over to Edward's house at nine in the afternoon so he could solve my problem.

I ran into his house, "EDWARD!" I screamed.

"Yes my love?"

"Shut up," I snapped. He looked appalled. "I'm sorry, I'm just upset with Charlie."

"Why?" he asked.

"I asked Charlie if I could have a puppy, but then he beat me. But he said I could keep one at your house right before he throw cooshin at me."

"You should've called the police, Bella," he said.

"I did, but Charlie answered."

He stared at me blankly.

"What kind of dog do you want Edward?" I asked.

"Well actually, I'm allergic to dogs."

"SUCK IT UP!" I screamed. "You can sleep out in the yard."

"I DON'T SLEEP!" he screamed.

"Well then we shouldn't have a problem," I smirked.

"Hmm… LET'S ADOPT JAKE!" he squealed.

"Ok." So we drove to Jake's house. We snuck into his room and Edward threw him over his shoulder. Jake woke up and started beating Edward's back.

"Jake, you weak pansy, it doesn't hurt," Edward laughed.

"Jake, you're going to the pet store whether you like it or not," I snapped.

"Why?" he cried.

"Because you need a collar," I said.

We arrived at the pet store and walked to the collars isle.

"OOH!" Jake squealed. "Get me the pink one with sequins!"

"Okay!" I exclaimed.

We drove back to Edward's house. I was stroking Jake's hair, even though he was still in human form.

We arrived at the house. "Jake, you need to turn into a dog," I said.

"What's my motivation?" he said.

"Your motivation is not getting beat up by Emmett," I said.

Suddenly Emmett appeared out of the shadows pounding his fist against his palm.

Jake screamed. Emmett nodded and disappeared back into the shadows.

"I NEED SOMETHING TO MAKE ME ANGRY!!" Jake screamed.

"You're fat," Edward said.

Suddenly Jake's shirt, pants, and a pair of Hello Kitty underwear went flying and there stood a wolf.

"TOBY!!" I squealed.

Jake gazed at me, confused.

"He says his name isn't Toby," Edward said.

"IT IS NOW!" I screamed.

Then Alice and Rosalie entered the room. "OHMIGAWD!! A PUPPY!!"

"Let's name her Profogna!!" Rosalie said.

"WOOOOOO!" Alice screamed.

Then they dressed him in a dress and put bows in his hair. I think he was smiling.

My puppy was overtaken by screaming vampires. It was so tragic!

Then Emmett came in. "I LOVE THE ACCESSORIES!" he screamed.

**A/N: LOL Wasn't that terrible? OF COURSE!**


	17. Pandamonium And Movies

**(A/N: Hey Guys! I Finally Made A Fan Fic With Me In It! With My Cousin Also. Yeah She Is A Girl!)**

**-Marie**

Emmett POV:

Today I Had A Brilliant Idea! I Was Going To See Kung Fu Panda With Eddie And Bella.

"EDWARD!!" I Screamed As I Walked Down The Hall To His Room.

"NO!! I'm Not Going To See A Movie About A Friggin Panda!" He Yelled In Reply.

"Are You Being Sassy With Me? I Do Not ENJOY Your Sassy Attitude!"

I Walked In To Find Edward And Bella Making Out On The Couch. EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

"Oooooooooo Is That The New Movie??" Bella Asked, Yes She Was On My Side.

"BELLA! How Could You Betray Me." Edward Whined.

"Come On Eddie. If You Don't Come That Means You Don't Love Me!" Bella Hissed.

Edward Made This Funny Pouty Face As He Stood Up To Leave. "Where Are You Going Little Mister??" Bella Said.

"To Get My Shoes..." He Sobbed.

We had To Hurry Into The Car Because Alice Would Be Home Soon From Her Shopping Trip With Rosalie. Alice Would Want To Come For Sure. I Dragged Edward Into The Back Seat Of My Jeep And Strapped Him In. Bella Practiclly Skipped To The Car. She Sat Up Front With Me. That's Right Edward I'm Stealing Your Girl!! Edward Leaned Forward And Slapped Me. In Less Than 5 Minutes We Were At The Theatre, Normally An Hour Drive.

The Movie Was Sold Out So We Bought Tickets For Don't Mess With The Zohan. We Bought Popcorn And Candy, For Bella.

We Found Some Seats In The Middle Section. There Were Two Very Annoying Girls Sitting Behind Us. They Kept Giggling And Flicking Popcorn At Us. I Was Going To Slap Them But Edward Told Me Not To. Party Pooper... We had Been Sitting There For Thirty Minutes Waiting For The Movie. So Many Stupid Previews. Then There Was A Preview For A Movie Called Twilight. One Of The Girls Started Hypervenalating And Screaming. Edward Was Scared, Bella Was About To Call 911, And I Was Going To Slap Her.

"Marie CALM DOWN!" The Blonde One Said.

"Fine." Marie Pouted.

"Hey, I Dare You To Poke That Dude In The Head." The Blonde One Whispered.

"No Way You Do It Sami."

Sami Leaned Over And Poked Me In The Head. She Started Gigling And Stuck A Twizzler Up My Ear. Edward Nodded And I Grabbed The Girl By Her Arm And Threw Her At The Screen. Marie Gasped And Started Crying.

"Why Are You Crying She Was Annoying." I Asked.

"They're Tears Of Joy." She Said.

"What Is Wrong With You!?" I Screamed And Pointed A Finger At Her And Ran Out Of The Room.

EDWARD POV:

I Was Shaking My Head, Poor Deluded Emmett. I Turned Around.

"Yeah Sorry About That." I Said.

Sami Came Running Up To Us And Said " Dude I Have A Headache."

We Watched The Movie And We Left. When We Walked Outside To See Emmett Being Hung By His Thumbs On A Tree. Alice Was Standing There Cracking Her Fingers.

"Why Didn't You Invite Me?" She Said.

THE END!


	18. Pretty Rainbow Sprinkles

**Hey guys, Sammy C here. I was reading Chapter 20, and figured I could make sort of a sequel to it. Sort of...tehe! :D I hope you like it**

**Emmett's POV**

So, yesterday we went to see "Don't Mess With the Zohan", but since Alice caught us, now she wants to go see "Kung Fu Panda". So now we are going back to the movie theatre.

"EDWAARD!!" I screamed. Why is it that we always start off with someone screaming "EDWARD!!"? I don't know…oh well.

"WHAT?!" He shouted back, he sounded annoyed.

I walked into his room just in time to see him throw a blanket over something.

"What was that?" I asked, bending down to try and peek under the blanket.

"Nothing, nothing at all!" Edward shouted nervously. He started fidgeting.

"Yeah, it sure seems like nothing"

"That's because it is"

"Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure" I said slyly, secretly devising a plan in my head. Oh wait…

"No Emmett, you will not get me to leave by promising to give me those fudge bars with pretty rainbow sprinkles that bella didn't….wait, RAINBOW SPRINKLES?! I MUST HAVE THEM!!"

Edward ran screeching from the room.

_Wow, I didn't think it would actually work._ I smiled at my genius plan. Now all I needed to do was just lift the corner of the blanket like this, and…

"EEEEEEEMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMEEEETTTTTTTTTTT!!"

_Uh-oh, I just remembered that we don't have any fudge bars with pretty rainbow sprinkles. I guess my plan wasn't so genius after all._

I ran into Alice's room, hoping that she would protect me. Yea, that wasn't such a good idea…

"Emmett what are you doing?" Alice asked, not even looking up from her fashion magazine.

"Hiding"

"Behind my coat rack?"

"Yes"

"You do know that anyone could perfectly see you there, right?"

"Yes"

"Ok, whatever"

Then Edward burst in, "WHERE IS EMMETT?!"

"Look around" Alice replied and slid a glance over at me.

"Seriously, where is he?" Edward walked around the whole room. Peeking in the closet, looking under the couch, opening the cupboards, walking around the coat rack. "I can't find him"

"Oh well, we'll just go to Kung Fu Panda without him"

Edward gasped, "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!! NOT THE FAT PANDA!! NOT THE FAT PANDA!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

She dragged him off screaming, and I silently followed.

When they got into Alice's car, I hopped into the trunk.

Alice's POV

5 minutes later we arrived at the movie theatre, Edward and I walked up to the ticket counter, bought 2 tickets, and I dragged him into the theatre.

We had been sitting and watching the previews when we started to hear giggling.

"Oh no, it must be those girls again" Edward groaned at the memory.

"Don't worry, they probably won't bother us"

"Yea, but how did they find us?"

"Who knows?"

We sat for a while longer, but then…

"O.M.E!! MARIE CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!! IT'S HIM! IT'S HIIIM!!"

**Edward's POV**

_Uh-oh, here comes trouble._ I shuddered at the memory of person who that voice belonged to.

"It is Sammy! We should call Rachel and Anna!! They'd love to see this!"

"YEAH! Great idea! Where are they anyway?"

"Oh, they've been going back to White Water every day for the past 3 weeks just to watch that lifeguard flex and un-flex his muscles."

"Ok…."

Then the movie started and things got REALLY quiet. I was surprised that the girls didn't start chucking things at us again.

Just when the fat panda did a butt bounce on the leopard thing's head I heard someone approach, or more than one someones.

Then the giggling started back up, but there were more voices.

"Shhh! He'll hear us and know what's coming"

"Just fill your minds with mindless goop and he won't know"

"OOOOOOOOOOOO yum yum ice cweam with the beautiful rainbow sprinkles. MMMMMMMMMMMMM"

"Shut up Sammy! You're being TOO loud!"

**Alice's POV**

Edward started twitching after the blonde mention the rainbow sprinkles, so I had to hold him down. Though, he still ended up turning around to see if she had them. He is so stupid…

"Do you have any beautiful rainbow sprinkles?" Edward asked anxiously

Then all 4 girls screamed at once, "It's him!!"

The spunky brunette launched first and attached herself in a full hug position, squeezing his torso. Then, the other brunette, Rachel, snapped onto both of his legs, almost as if hanging on for dear life. Marie stood stroking his hair.

"Edward, I'd be careful if I were you. The blonde has gone missing."

"Wha….?" Edward began to reply, but the blonde came out of no where screaming like a banty and hopped on his back.

Edward grimaced, "Oh, this is just GREAT"

"That's what you get for trying to kill me Edward"

I gasped, thinking the worst of the worst. But then I turned around and…

"Oh, Emmett. It's only you. GEEZ, you had me scared there."

**Emmett's POV**

Her words repeated in my head, _It's only you. It's only you. It's only you._

"How dare you speak down to me!"

"Emmett, all I meant was…"

"No! You have offended me, so now, I shall not share with you my beautiful rainbow sprinkles."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Edward screeched and threw all 4 girls to the ground. "THEY WILL BE MINE!!"

**Alice's POV**

Edward and Emmett ran down the street, hardly unnoticed, screeching at the top of their lungs.

I turned to the girls, "Well, I guess you got to see him for a little while. Now pay up."

"What?! Pay Up?! But you said it wouldn't cost you a thing. All you had to do was drag Edward to the movies, go into Kung Fu Panda, and convince the buffoon to say it was him who did it."

"Oh, yea..well I guess you're right. Want to go give Bella a make over?"

"Sure" they all answered at once.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" we heard from somewhere unknown.

"That was weird. Was that Bella?" Marie asked.

"Yea, but don't worry, we'll slip into her room and tie her up. Then throw her in a box with pretty flowers on it. Then throw the box out the window. Drag the box back to my house. Throw it upstairs. Kick it around some for good measure. Then take her out before Edward finds out."

So we dragged Bella out of the movie theatre, while she kicked and screamed. But who cares about Bella?

** Just kidding about the "Who cares about Bella?" part. Everyone cares about Bella. Hope you guys liked it. Please give reviews! :D **


	19. Special Guest

Check us out at our webbie site (see profile.)

Hey homies! Anna here. WOO! I'm finally writing another chapter. Sorry, I've been on vacation for two weeks. Anyways, here we go! Laterz, Anna

Another "ordinary" day...

Bella's POV:

I was walking through the hallway in my house, laughing to myself. Alice would be paid a visit that would change her life forever. I walked into my room and flopped down on my bed. And Edward wasn't going to ruin it for me. I loved my unintentional ming block.

I walked to my brand new Mercedes (A/N: first chapter of Breaking Dawn) and drove to the Cullen household. Alice was paying no attention to her normal visions, only the wedding ones. I walked in the door. "Hello beautiful, skinny, creatures and Emmett," I called. Emmett walked into the room in a ballerina costume. Wow.

He noticed my staring. "Rosalie said it looks slimming," he snapped.

"Mmhmm,"

"Don't be jealous, Bella."

"I'll try," I said sarcastically. He started to sulk away. "Hey Emmett!" I called.

"Huh?"

"Can you go lock Alice in a closet for me?"

"WHOOPEE!" he ran up the stairs to find Alice.

Suddenly the doorbell rang. I ran to open it. There in the doorway was a man who could easily be mistaken for a vampire (looks.)

"Are you Bella?" he asked.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!" I screamed. "You're you're you're G-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-"

"Gerard Way?" he asked.

"EEEEEPPPP!!" I screamed again. I ran to hug him. Surprisingly, there was no bodyguard to stop me. "Where's worm?" I asked.

He sighed. _"Lyn-_Z gave him the day off."

Oh fantastic. "Your wife came?"

Another sigh. "Yes..."

A pounding came from upstairs. "LET ME OUT!" Alice screamed. "I HEAR HIS VOICE! AAAHHH!! LET ME OUT!"

I ran upstairs only to see the closet door collapse before me. Alice ran past me and down the stairs followed by the other Cullen children.

I walked downstairs to find Alice, Rosalie, and Jasper?? on top of Gerard.

"I. HAVE. TO. CALL. RACHEL!!" Alice gasped.

"NOOOOOO!" the Cullens and I screamed. But it was too late. Within ten seconds the alien-like creature was there.

Gerard quickly stood up.

"UNCLE JIGGYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!" Rachel screamed.

"OHNOOHNOOHNOOHNO!!" Gerard screamed.

"Whaaaaaaa?" we all said in unison.

"I'd recognize that forhead anywhere!" Gerard panted. "That's the girl the stowed away on our tour bus!"

"It was for love!" Rachel whined as she ran to hug Gerard.

Suddenly, Lyn-Z came out of nowhere and was trying to pry Rachel off of her husband. I looked over at Edward. He and Emmett were throwing blackberries at each other. Okay...

Rachel pulled out her gay Motorola Razr and hit speed dial number 1. Within another ten seconds, the spunky brunette known as Anna ran through the door and walked up to Lyn-Z.

Anna's POV:

I came all the way the Washington because Rachel called and told me she was touching Gerard Way. Of course I was jealous. She also told me Lyn-Z was there (eeeewww!) So I came for the eye candy and to destroy Lyn-Z.

There she was, in all her ugliness. I walked up to her and started to poke her. "Gerard -poke- deserves -poke- BETTER! -poke poke poke poke poke-" Then she slapped me. It was OOOOON! I called her ugly and she ran away. Haha.

Rachel's POV:

While Anna was insulting Lyn-Z, Alice and I were trying to explain to Jasper that Gerard needs a WOMAN. Finally after repeating ourselves 372 times, he understood. Then I slapped Alice.

"WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!" she screamed.

"HE'S MINE!!" I screamed back. Then my man approached us.

"How's about I choose," he said.

"Okay!" we all said (Me, Alice, and Anna)

"I choose..."

Suddenly a red headed girl walked through the door. "AFI OWNS!" she screamed.

"NOOOOOOOOO!" we all screamed as we tackled her.

The End (of this chapter)

A/N: HAHA! I know, sooo confusing.


	20. Birthday Party

**A/N: This is going to go badly. - Anna**

Alice's POV:

I honestly had no fricken idea what I was doing here. I was in a car full of insane teenagers and some woman with a really southern accent. (A/N: My mom) I knew three of the girls - Anna (who was the birthday girl), Rachel, and Marie. I was still mad at Marie for screaming out her love for AFI. GROWL!

Anna introduced me to two other girls - Ansley, Savannah, and Rachel #2 (different Rachel). We were riding in this beastly four-door Jeep to the movie theater. We were gonna go see Hancock. WOO! Rachel was hyperventilating at the thought of Will Smith. "He's meh favorite actor!" she said for the 70 billionth time. "He was so good in I Am Legend." Then Anna gave her a wet willie and she had a twitch attack.

We got to the movie theater in like 30 minutes because the southern lady kept telling us to be quiet and stuff. "Mama, can we go see the movie by ourselves?" Anna asked the lady.

"Now what would your friends parents think of me?" the southern woman said.

Then Anna started screaming in a man voice and was eventually defeated because the woman went to go park the car.

The movie was fantastical except for the fact that Rachel screamed "WILLY!" every five seconds. Marie and Rachel #2 tried to stuff popcorn in Rachel's ears while Ansley, Anna, and Savannah dunked her head in an Icee.

Then we drove home. Some song came on the radio that made Anna, Marie, and Rachel spazz out.

"OMG!!" Anna screamed. "MEH THEME SONG!!" And then they started singing (the horror.)

"CUZ IT'S NINE IN THE AFTERNOOOOOON, YOUR EYES ARE THE SIZE OF THE MOOOOOON, YOU COULD CUZ YOU CAN SO YOU DO! WE'RE FEELIN SO GOOD, JUST THE WAY THAT WE DO WHEN IT'S NINE IN THE AFTERNOON!!"

Then we arrived at this giant house. Whoa. "Is this your house?" I asked Anna in shock. Everyone laughed.

"No," Anna said, "this is Sammy C's house."

"That crazy blonde?" I asked

"Yup!"

Then that same crazy blonde ran out her front door and into the Jeep. Then she had a seizure.

"OMG! IT'S. ALICE. CULLEN!!" she screamed.

So we drove to Anna's house and slept over. They drank smoothies, and we were forced to watch Rush Hour 2.

**A/N: Sorry it's not very funny. I'm just planning my birthday party.**


	21. Elfs and Vegas

Emmett's POV:

Rosalie was in her bathroom putting on her makeup. She was applieing her lipstick. I silently crept up behind her and tapped her on the shoulder. She spazzed out and her lipstick went smearing up her face towards her ear. Suddenly she pulled out a gun and shot me. I looked at meh chest.

"OHMIGAWD I'M BLEEDING!" I screamed in delight.

Then Jasper appeared and started sucking on meh chest.

"EMMETT!!" He screamed.

"WHAT!?" I screamed back. Then our eyes met and we gazed at each other longingly. "My love," I added.

He slapped me. "This is ketchup you fool."

"MUAHAHA! I needed an excuse for you to suck on my chest!"

"GOOD GOD!" Rosalie screamed. "WHAT IS THIS FAN FICTION RATED!"

"M for manly toughness provided by Jasper."

Then Rosalie dragged me by meh ear and threw me into the bathtub.

"I'M DROWNING!" I screamed.

"There's no water, Emmett."

Then Carlisle appeared in all his doctory sexiness. "Hey my peeps, what's the hizzle? Guess What?"

"Miley Cyrus got arrested?!" Edward squealed. Where did Edward come from?

Then Miley Cyrus appeared. "HAY HAY! MAKE SOME NOISE!" she screamed.

Then Rosalie whisled and I appeared.

"How may I be of assistance?" I asked.

"Dispose of the trash."

I picked Miley up by her beaver teeth and threw her out the window.

"EVERYBODY MAKES MISTAKES!" we heard from outside.

"LESBO!" Edward screamed.

"EXCUSE MEH IT'S CALLED BI!" she screamed.

Then Alice appeared. "Oh like Rachel?"

...

Carlisle spoke up. "Hey girlfrans! Listen up!"

"What?" we all said.

"I got you a toota!"

"OMG I LOVE TUNAAA!" I screamed.

"He means a tutor," Edward said.

"NOOOOOO!" We screamed.

"HAVING BELLA IS TORTURE ENOUGH!" Rosalie screamed.

Bella started to cry. WHERE DID SHE COME FROM?!

Edward read meh mind. "She flew in on a magic rainbow!"

Then Esme came in. "You need a toota since you flunked out of skool."

"WE GRADUATED!" We screamed. All except Bella, who took her magic rainbow home.

"You can't even spell!" Rosalie snapped.

"I twas speaking!" Esme said.

"But I read the text in the fan fic!"

...

"I'm gonna get you Anna..." Esme Screamed At The Sky.

(A/N: EEP! I'm scared...)

"Here's your toota!" Carlisle screamed.

Suddenly a very short man appeared.

"This is Mr. Slappy," Carlisle continued.

"Please children, call me Slappy the Elf."

Then Rosalie's eyes became those heart things that you see in cartoons. "Well hello, Slappy."

"Why do they call you Slappy?" Alice asked.

He smiled debiously. "I like to slap bad children," he pulled out a paddle.

He sat us down. "Today, we're gonna learn about musical parallelograms."

Then Rosalie got down on one knee. "MARRY ME, SLAPPY!"

Then a long makeout session followed that cannot be described due to graphic images that may be seen in small children's minds. Hello small children...

"Does this mean I can have Jaspa?!" I asked hopefully.

"No! I belong to Alice!"

"Alice can have Edward," I said.

"Eew, Edward's a guy!" Alice screamed.

"What's that supposed to mean?!" Jasper said. "WE ARE OVA!"

"Well then who do i get?" Alice asked.

"YOU CAN HAVE MILEY!" I squealed.

Suddenly Miley burst through the door. "Are you from Tennessee cuz you're the only ten I see!"

"Oh Miley!" Alice said.

"Oh Alice,"

More graphic kissing scenes...

I turned to Jasper. "Come Here Suga Britches!" I screamed.

Epilogue:

So there were many weddings in Vegas that weekend.

Rosalie and Slappy

Alice and Miley

and Emmett and Jasper.

3 3 3

xoxoxoxo

(A/N: So there you have it. The most graphic and disturbing love story of all time. BYESSS!)

Anna and Marie


	22. Inner Fan Girl

**(A/N: Hey I'm BACK! I Wanted To Do This Since The Beginning Of Summer. I Was Simply Too LAZY…. Reminds Me Of Someone..Cough. Anyway The Story Is Gonna Suck Because 1. I'm Alone 2. No Clue What To Write About Really And 3. We Needed Another Chapter. So ENJOY!)**

**-Marie**

ALICE POV

I Went To The Store With Emmett Today. He Begged Me To Buy Guitar Hero 3. He Literally Got On His Knees And Begged.I Finally Agreed And He Jumped Like A Little School Girl. So Here We Are watching Edward Make A Sad Attempt At Playing Miss Murder. He Missed Every Note And He Was Playing On Easy.

"Edward You SUCK." Emmett Complained.

"I Realize That Emmett." Edward Was Having Difficult Time Paying Attention To What Emmett Was Saying. Then The Scream-O Part of The Song Came On Edward Threw Down The Guitar And Covered His Ears.

"What Is That Horrible Noise?" He Whined.

I Stifled A Laugh While Emmett And Bella Rolled On The Floor Laughing.

"Hey Guys I'm Going To Invite Some People Over." I Said And Whipped Out Meh Phone.

"O…Ok… Alice." Bella Said Between Laughs.

I Hit Speed Dial. I Called Jacob, Anna, Rachel, Samantha, And Marie. They All Agreed To Come Over.

Five Minutes Later There Was A Rap On The Door. I Ran And Answered It. Jacob Walked In First He Waved To Bella And Edward Glared At Him. Then Anna, Rachel, Samantha, And Marie All Came In One After The Other.

**EMMETT POV:**

Oh Crap Jake's Here. Eep! The Two Crazy Brunettes, The Freaky Blonde Girl, And The Weird Red Head Who Likes AFI. Freak.

They All Started Followed Alice Into The Living Room Where We Were Playing Guitar Hero. Edward Was Trying Again. More Like Failing Again. Jake Was Laughing Like A Donkey.

"Wow, Alice Was Right Edward You Do Suck. My Dad's Better Than You." Marie Commented.

Edward Growled And Stormed Out of The Room. Anna, Rachel, And Samantha Smacked Marie.

"You MADE EDWARD LEAVE!" They All Yelled.

"Merrrrr I'm SORRY!" Marie Yelled Back.

"You Better Be." They All Sat Back Down With A Huff.

Alice Ran Upstairs And Dragged Edward Down Stairs By His Hair. Edward Thumping Down The Stairs To Whole Way. Alice Strapped Him To A Chair. He Was Covered In Screaming Fan Girls. Not Including Marie.

"I'm Going To Call Seth. He Can't Miss This." Jacob Said.

"Maybe He Can Help ME!" Edward's Screen Was Muffled.

Seth Knocked On The Door And Walked In.

"Hey Gu-" He Started To Say.

"OMB It's SETH!!" Marie Screamed. Woah She Does Have A Fan Girl Side. She Latched Onto Him And Hugged Him And Actually Lifted Him Off The Ground.

"AHH! Let Me Down I'm Scared Of Heights!" Seth Screamed Like A Little Girl Who's Lollypop Got Stolen By A Hawk. He Was Like What An Inch Off The Ground. This Kid Was Amazingly Tall And He's Afraid Of Heights?

I Peeled The Screaming Girl Off Of Him. Jake Was Crying Because He Had No Fan Girls. Just Then This Tall Girl With The Loudest Laugh I've Ever Heard Walked In Screamed And Ran To Jacob. More Hugs All Around.

"Amber's HERE!" Anna, Rachel, Marie, And Samantha Yelled.

"Heller!" Amber Yelled To Them.

Woah Weird Lingo. These Girls Say The Strangest Things Like Tis, Twas, Meh, Etc. What's Up With That??

**EDWARD POV:**

While The Girls Were Distracted I Made My Escape Taking The Chair With Me. I Was Almost To The Woods When I Heard, "EDWARD ESCAPED!" "I SEE HIM OVER THERE" "GET HIM!!" "COME ON SETH! LET'S HELP!" "LET GO OF ME YOU CREEPY STALKER GIRL!!"

I Ran As Fast As A Vampire With A Chair Strapped To His Butt Can.

**(A/N:OK HORRIBLE STORY! I LOVE BEAR HUGS WHERE I LIFT PEOPLE OFF THE GROUND! My Friends Have All Experienced It Before. SETH IS **_**MINE**_** BACK OFF! HISSSSSSS!)**


	23. The story of Nessie

**Hey home dawgs. Tis Anna heeeeer. Oh yeah. I can spell. Okay, so I just finished Breaking Dawn last night (why so late? Cuz I like to take my tiiiiime.) Okay so I'm gonna be making fun of a couple of things.**

**1. Bella and Edward's continuous sexual contact.**

**2. Jacob imprinting on a baby.**

**It may not be funny in the beginning, but it will get funnier later in the chapter.**

**So here we goooooo…**

**-Anna**

_Renesmee's POV:_

I was lying in my bed listening to my parents in the next room. Momma was screaming, but I knew she wasn't hurt. She's _**INVINCIBLE**_!! I was now a year old, although my physical age was five and my mental age was around fifteen. Almost every other night I heard Momma screeching. With my mental age being as high as it was, I knew what this screaming involved, but I wasn't gonna fill my mind with those thoughts because Daddy would hear them and get mad.

Of course a lot of times I just couldn't help thinking that. Who could? You can't prevent yourself from thinking something without thinking about preventing it. I looked outside my window. Enough was enough. I hope Daddy heard that. I hope he knew that I couldn't sleep at night because of him. And Momma.

I opened my window. I silently climbed out. Of course they would hear me. Or maybe not. There was a ton of noise in there. Momma kept screaming and things were constantly shattering. Within a few seconds, my parents were outside. Daddy was shirtless, but he looked better than Momma. She followed him out the door wrapped in a tablecloth. I winced.

"Where are you going?" Daddy asked, concerned.

"To Grandpa and Grandma's house." I said. I eyed Momma's outfit. She sighed and walked back inside.

"Why?" he asked.

"Because I can never sleep with all the noise you and Momma make at night!" I snapped.

He looked apologetically at me. "I'm sorry," he said sincerely.

"Not sorry enough to stop though right?"

He shook his head. He loved Momma. A lot.

I walked away towards Grandpa and Grandma's house. "I'll be there in the morning," I called. Then I began to run. I arrived at Grandma and Grandpa's house within 15 minutes. I walked inside.

"Hey Nessie!" Grandpa said. "What're you doing here?"

"Momma and Daddy were making a lot of noise again." I said.

I heard Uncle Emmett's big booming laugh from upstairs.

"Is there a place I can sleep?"

Grandpa nodded, "Grandma Esme will show you a room," he said. I followed Grandma Esme up the stairs and into a room at the end of the hallway. There was a bed waiting for me. "Thank you, Grandma Esme." I said.

"You're welcome, dear," she said as she closed the door.

I laid in my bed waiting for sleep to take over my senses. About five minutes later, I was drifting away to sleep, but then I heard I tapping on my window. I whirled around to see if a bird was pecking at it or something. There was nothing there. I got up and walked over to the window. I peered out and looked down. There on the ground was Jacob _my Jacob _throwing rocks at my window.

I threw open my window. "JACOB!" I whisper screamed.

"Hello, my love," he called.

"What's going on?" I asked.

"I'm breaking you out!"

"What? I _need _to sleep, Jake."

"It's now or never." That did it. I jumped out my window into Jacob's arms.

"Hey beautiful!" He said. I blushed. Who cared if he was physically like… 16 years older than me? I was gonna make beautiful puppies.

"Wanna see me phase?" he asked.

"Yes!" I squealed. Suddenly he ripped off all his clothes.

"Jakey, why are you naked?" I asked.

"I have to phase this way, Nessie," he said.

"Okay!" I said. Then I looked down at Jake's pile of clothing. "Jake, where's your undies?"

"I don't where any, Nessie?"

I winced, but love meant sacrifices. "Not even to sleep?"

"I sleep in the nude," he said. Suddenly he jumped into the air and landed as a wolf. "You're such a pretty wolf, Jacob," I said.

He winked one of his black eyes in response. "But we need to do makeovers to make you a prettier person," I added.

He whimpered. "Oh I won't do it," I said. "Aunt Alice does much better makeovers than me."

I heard a squeal from the house. Aunt Alice must have heard the words makeover and her name.

_Bella's POV:_

I was sitting on mine and Edward's bed. Renesmee had only been gone thirty minutes and I was scared out of my mind.

"I'm sure she'll be fine," Edward answered my unspoken/unread thoughts. He was on the floor tugging playfully at the tablecloth that was wrapped around me.

"You think?" I asked.

He nodded and then his face went blank.

"What's wrong?" I asked frantically.

"My Nessie senses are tingling," he said. That's was all he had to say. I dropped my tablecloth and ran to the closet. I pulled on the first outfit I saw. It was a low, _low _neck tank top and jeans. Wasn't something I would have ever really worn. I would have to thank Alice for that later.

"What's going on?" I asked as we started running.

"Jake's planning something," he said. "He's debating between a few things."

"Jake," I groaned.

He nodded in agreement.

_Renesmee's POV:_

Jake indicated for me to climb on his back. He grabbed his clothes between his teeth then took off. I asked where we were going, forgetting that I couldn't get a response.

Once we were in town, I got off Jake's back. He phased back behind a bush and threw his clothes on. "We have to walk from now on," he said.

I nodded happily. He walked me a couple of blocks to a small movie theater. After we got tickets, we sat down in two seats.

Within about five minutes, the movie was starting. It was a new romance movie. Daddy wouldn't approve of the rating - it was PG-13. Daddy also said no dating, but for all he knew, I was at Grandma's and Grandpa's sound asleep. And this was just a night out with my future husband.

Jacob draped his massive arm over my shoulder. I sighed a happy sigh. I suddenly noticed how close his face was to mine. He breathed in my ear. I rubbed it uncomfortably. He placed his lips on my neck. "This is how it should always be," he whispered.

I tried to shrug away from him but it was no use. "CHILD MELESTATION!" I heard someone scream from behind me. I turned around to see a balding man sweating with his eyes bugging out.

"Jacob, take me back to Grandma and Grandpa's," I ordered. He shrugged and walked me out of the theater. After he phased back to a werewolf I kicked him in the chest. "ANIMAL ABUSE!" someone screamed. I turned around to see the same balding man stalking us.

"Dude, you're harshing my mellow. Go away or I'll friggin' suck your blood," I threatened.

He ran away crying. "Take me home, Jacob," I said. Suddenly I heard a wild rustle in the trees. Out of the darkness came Momma and Daddy. Daddy had a crazed look in his eyes. I think he wanted to kill Jacob.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY DAUGHTER?!" Daddy screamed.

Jacob shrugged.

"He raped me, Daddy," I said.

Daddy's face got really red… just kidding! His face can't get red because he's a _vampire, _silly.

Jacob stared at me like I was insane. "Wth?" he said. Oh wait… wasn't Jake a werewolf?

"Take the _blame!_" I said. He obeyed because he loves me. And love is a passionate emotion.

So Daddy bit one of Jacob's toes off and took me home. We left Jacob in the middle of the streets, a toeless werewolf.

And that was my night.

**Yeah, not too funnay! Sorry home skillets.**


	24. Aunt Hoho

Renesmee's POV:

Today I had the strange urge to call Aunt Rosalie something different. 'Aunt . . .' what did that word mean?!

I walked into the living room of our cabin. The house was empty; my parents must have gone on one of those couple retreats again. They preferred the nude beaches.

I fixed myself breakfast. It was gazelle blood drizzled over French toast. Yum-o!

I walked over to Grandpa and Grandma's house. Aunt Rosalie greeted me at the door. "Good morning light that shines on my world!" she said.

"Mornin Aunt . . ." I trailed off, thinking of the consequences of using this new word.

"Go on, say my name, go on," she encouraged.

I tried again "Aunt . . ."

"YOU DEVIL CHILD, SAY MY NAME!" she screamed.

"Fine. Aunt Hoho."

Her jaw dropped open. "What did you call me, punk?"

"Aunt Hoho," I repeated.

"OMGIZZ!" she howled. "EMMETT COME HITHER!"

Uncle Emmett appeared at her side. Rosalie whispered something into his ear, and he gasped like a gay man.

Uncle Emmett examined me for a second. "It's a fat joke!" he exclaimed.

"OHMIGAWD!" she screamed. "I AM NOT FAT! ONLY PHAT!"

I was confused. Why did I even want to call her that?

Aunt Rosalie exhaled. "At least she didn't mean I've been with lots of men."

Uncle Emmett glared at his wife.

"I HAVEN'T!" Aunt Rosalie screamed.

His eyes widened. "It was Mike, wasn't it?!" He ran off before he could get an answer.

Aunt Rosalie turned to me. "Why did you call me that?" she demanded.

"Idk my bff Jill!" I said.

Her eyes widened as if she had just realized something. She ran upstairs and left me alone in the house. I walked into the kitchen. I didn't even know why they had a kitchen. I walked into the pantry – it was full of human food, why? I found a bottle of mustard. I felt a new urge that didn't feel as if it was controlled by me. I opened the bottle and sprayed the mustard onto the wall. After the bottle was empty, I admired my handiwork. Spelled out in mustard on the wall was written: Aunt Hoho Newton.

Aunt Rosalie came downstairs with Uncle Jasper held above her head. When she saw my condiment graffiti, she threw him on the ground. "WHY DO YOU KEEP MAKING HER FEEL LIKE SHE WANTS TO CALL ME THAT!?" she screamed at him.

He shrugged. "I don't know."

She picked him up again. I followed them out to the backyard. She pulled a long string of rope out her pants. With Jasper in one hand and the rope in another she tied the rope around a tree. The rope had a loop at the very end. She thrust Uncle Jasper's neck into the loop and tightened it. She turned around as she walked away. "Hang tight," she said. That was a bad pun.

I returned to my parent's house that night. They had returned home from their retreat. I walked through the door to find the living room empty. I probably should have knocked on their bedroom door but I was too naïve to want to. I threw open the door. My parents' heads we're just visible under the covers that were moving rapidly up and down. I quickly ran out and slammed the door behind me. "Welcome home!" I called as I ran to my room.

I couldn't fall asleep that night. There was a soft singing coming from outside. I ran to my window and opened it up. I looked to my left to find my mother leaning out her bedroom window. She looked like she was wearing a man tank top. They must have been from the time when my dad thought he was gay . . . that was before he met mommy.

The singing continued . . . "You change your mind like a girl changes clothes. Awww you PMS like a bitch, I would know . . . . You're hot and you're cold, you're yes and you're no. You're in and you're out, you're up and you're down –"

"SHUT UP JASPER!" my mom screamed. Then, she turned back in my direction.

"Hi Sweetie!" she said.

I glared at her man tank top. She sighed and closed her window. Several minutes later the sound of breaking glass continued. I soon fell asleep to my routine lullaby.


	25. Preschool

**(A/N: We Are BACK! Sorry For The Huge Delay! ' Oh And I'm Not Going To Type In All Caps This Time Cause Honestly It Takes Longer.)**

**-Marie**

**Renesmee's POV:**

Today mommy and daddy said I had to start going to daycare. So they took me to Rainbow Daycare. I'm scared but, Jake said it would be ok cause he would be watching. That made me feel better.

Yeah, I met the teacher. She's really nice and she seems to be very attracted me. I think I'vce heard my parents say they were called lesbians. Anyway, my teacher's name is Mrs.Black and she looks _SO MUCH_ like Jacob and she has a really **_DEEP VOICE_**.

During Class

"Ok students today we're going to talk about the jobs our parent's have!" Mrs.Black exclaimed.

A boy named Timmy raised his hand.

"Yes, Timmy Go Ahead." Mrs.Black said when she called on him.

"My daddy's a doctor and my mom is a plumber!"

"My dad's DEAD." One kid exclaimed.

"Well my mom's a hookerrrrrrrrr!" Another exclaimed.

"SHUT UP! Class settle down!" Mrs. Black Yelled.

I raised my hand. "Ok Renesmee what do your parents do for a living?"

"My parents make love!" I yelled.

"Aww that's sweet."

"To each other." I finished my sentence.

Mrs. Black mumbled something that sounded like,"I'm glad I love you now instead of Bella."

But she could of been saying "I have pudding in my pants." or something like that.

Lunch Time

It was lunch time and I had a sandwhich for lunch. Then this girl with pigtails came up to me and was waving a bag with white powder in it in front of my face.

"Wanna trade??"She asked.

Then Mrs.Black came up and slapped the bag out of the girl's hands.

"That was mine!" She screamed. "How in the world did you find my drugs inside my desk!!"

She hastily picked up the bag and ran to the back of the classroom. The girl with pigtails jumped on a unicorn and flew off into the sunset... O.O

Mrs.Black came walked back over to me. She picked me up and ripped off her hair! Except it wasn't hair it was a wig! And under that wig was JACOB!

"Come Renesmee this school is to bad of an influence on you!" WHOOSHHHH!! And he jumped out of the window and he ran us to grandma and grandpa's house.

"EDWARD!" Jake screamed up the stairs.

My dad came down the stairs really slow like on BAY WATCH! There was cool music playing and everything.

"Yeah, what you want dog?" He sneered.

"Edward there's something I have to ask you. It's about this ring..." Jake said and he held up a ring.

"I'm sorry Jacob I cannot accept this from another man." My dad looked like he was going to barf.

Then Mom came in pimp slapped Jake and told me to go play in a busy highway.

So I did.

**THE END**


	26. The Two Edwards

**(A/N: I'm Semi-BACK! HOORAY! Anywayyyyyyyy Let Us See What I Can Come Up With. This Is Very Random And It Will Probably Suck. -Flail-)**

**-Marie**

**Edward's POV:**

It Was Awfully Quiet Today. Then I Remembered That Bella Had Taken Renesmee Out Grocery Shopping. Alice And Rosalie Went Clothing Shopping. Jasper And Emmett Were Doing God Knows. . . .

"We're Home Edward!!" I Heard Bella Call From Downstairs. I Gracefully Jumped Up Of The Bed And Ran Downstairs To Find. . . . .

Bella With Another MAN! Renesmee Ran Off After Seeing The Rage Painted All Over My Face. How _Dare _Bella Cheat On Me! She Wasn't Even Cheating On Me With A Man. Oh No It Was A Kid. He Looked To Be Around 15 to 16 Years Of Age. He Wore A Red Coat Over His Black Top And Black Leather Pants. He Wore White Gloves Over Both His Hands And Black Boots Which Seemed To Be A Desperate Way To Make Him Taller. He Had Gold Eyes That Matched His Golden Hair Which Was Plaited In A Braid That Ran Down The Small Of His Back. So It's Another _Vampire _Is It… And On Top Of That I Couldn't Read His Mind!

"BELLA! What Are You Doing With This Other VAMPIRE! And He's Only A Kid At THAT!" I Roared.

"Pushaw! There's No Such Thing As Vampires! There's No Way You Can Prove It Scientifically." The Kid Stated.

_Wait… _So He's Not A Vampire? But, That Doesn't Explain What _**MY BELLA **_Is Doing With Him.

"Who Are You Then?" I Sneered At The Short Blonde Boy.

"My Name's Edward Elric, The Fullmetal Alchemist!" He Seemed Pretty Pleased At What He Said.

Who Is This Kid? I Pondered. The Bella Spoke Up.

"See, It Is Edward!"

"Bella Dear I'm Afraid You Have The Wrong Edward. I'm The Edward You Married." I Pointed At Myself. When Did Bella Get So Dense?

She Shook Her Head. "But He Said He's Edward."

Another Edward Is Very Unlikely. That Could Only Mean…..

"OhMiGEE! Bella Run It's Mike! He Dressed Up As This Short Kid And Is Trying To Confuse You!" I Flailed My Arms For An Added Affect.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A RUNT SO TINY HE CAN ONLY BE SEEN WITH A MAGNIFIYING GLASS!!??!?! YOU JERK!!" He Flailed His Arms And Charged At Me. I Was To Shocked To Do Anything. Then A Gray Blur Bowled Into Him Effectively Knocking Him To The Floor.

"Brother NO! Calm Down!!!" The Gray Blur Turned Out To Be A Suit Of Armor Who Was Holding The Struggling Boy Down On The Ground.

Then Mike Ran In The Open Door. Screaming, "FREEDOM!!!!!!!!" He Wasn't Wearing Anything Put A Speedo. He Ran Throughout The House And Then Jumped Out The Window.

There Was Banging On The Stairs As Emmett Came Barreling Down Them. He Was Wearing Nothing But A Speedo As Well And He Ran Up To Me An Asked, "Have You Seen Mike? We Were Supposed To Go Swimmin Together!" I Pointed At The Broken Window In Which Emmett Promptly Jumped Through.

"I'm Really Sorry About How Ni-San Acted. My Name Is Alphonse Elric By The Way." He Gave A Stiff Bow And Turned Around To Help Edward Back To His Feet.

"It's No Problem." I Said. But, Then I Realized That During Ed's Spaz He Knocked A Lit Candle Out The Open Window.

"Renesmee Quick Get The Fire Hose!!" Bella Screamed.

Renesmee Sprinted Past Us With The Fire House And Quickly Dosed The Small Fire That had Started In The Backyard.

"Good Thing She Stopped The Fire Before-" I Started To Say But Was Abruptly When A Large Bear Lumbered Into The House.

"Now Which One Of You Youngins Started That Forest Fire?" It Asked.

Crap. Somehow Smogi Found Us! Smogi Was The Local Forest Ranger Bear That Got Onto Anyone Who Started A Forest Fire.

"Remember Playing With Matches Is Dangerous. It Could Cause A Fire…" Blah, Blah, Blah, Smogi Kept Rambling.

"I SMELL BEAR!" A Voice Called From Upstairs. Jasper Came Hurtling Down The Stairs.

He Rammed Into Smogi Knocking Smogi And Himself Out The Window. OH MY GOD THAT CURSED BEAR IS FINALLY GONE!

During The Scuffle With Smogi I Almost Forgot About My Terribly Confused Bella And The Other Edward With A Suit Of Armor For A Brother.

I Turned Around To See That Those Crazy Girls Had Returned. Anna, Rachel, Marie, And There Was A New One.

Bella Pointed A Finger At Them, "Oh NO! They're BACK!!"

The New Girl Latched Onto Bella's Arm And Said, "HI I'M HARPER!"

Bella Shook Her Off And Ran Upstairs All The While Screaming, "Never Again! NEVER AGAIN!!"

Marie Jabbed Harper In The Rips With Her Elbow And Pointed At The Other Edward. They Both Gasped And Rushed Over To Him. Marie Latched Onto His Back While Harper Tied Him To A Chair. Wait.. Where Was The Alphonse? I Saw Him Outside Petting A Werewolf. I Heard Him Say, "You're A Big Kitty Aren't You??"

"WHERE'S MUSTANG!?!" Harper Screamed At Ed.

"Why Would A Know Where That Lazy Good For Nothing Colonel Is?" He Answered.

Harper Slapped Ed, Hard Across The Face. He Set Her With A Glare And Struggled With The Ropes Binding Him To The Chair.

"Al! Help ME!!" Edward Called To His Brother. But, Alphonse Was To Distracted By The Jake Wolf To Help His Older Brother.

Rachel Broke Down And Cried On The Floor. "Why Can't Gerard Be HERE!?!" She Screamed.

Emmett Ran In And Pointed At Rachel, "ALIEN BABY!" Then He Ran Off. Rachel Stood Up And Walked Over To Where Marie And Harper Had Edward Tied Up.

"It's Your Fault Gerard Isn't Here!" She Pointed An Accusing Finger At Him.

"What's A Gerard?" He Questioned.

Rachel Pounced On Him. She Grabbed His Hair And Shook Him. "What's A Gerard? WHAT'S A GERARD!!??!" She Screeched. "Gerard Way Is The Single Most Special Person EVAH!"

The Day Continued Like This Until Esme And Carlisle Came Home. Carlisle Was Ecstatic Over Al. Esme Was Pissed Because Of The Charred Grass. So Esme Kicked Everyone Out of The House Except For Edward Elric, Who She Forced To Paint Every Strand Of Grass Green Again.

**(A/N: OMG! IT DID SUCK!** **Okkkkkkkk So This Chapter Is More Of A Chapter To Introduce The Fullmetal Alchemist Character's Into Our Fan Fictions. Yes, Edward And Alphonse Are Brothers. Mustang Is Harper's Favorite FMA Character. He's A Colonel In The Army And is The One Who Also Helped Edward Join The Military. Sooooooooooo Yeah. Any Questions Just Ask… **


	27. Marriage Problems

**Hey guys, I'm sorry to say that this will be the last chapter in Strange Happenings. We're running out of ideas so there's no point in doing more. I'll try to make this last one as good as possible.**

**Anna**

Bella's POV:

It had been a bad night. A _very_ bad night to be exact. It was mine and Edward's first real fight. I didn't know how to handle it. Usually one member of the couple would sleep on the couch, but seeing as I couldn't sleep . . . well that's a problem. I walked through the forest towards the house of my in-laws. I was going to talk to the person who had the most experience with marriage problems I knew – Rosalie. Seeing as Emmett was on the verge of coming out of the closet, there had to be a lot of issues. Rosalie kept trying to stuff him back into the closet, but he was too big so he was always, like, halfway out.

I walked into the door to find the atrium empty. I swiftly flew up the stair and down the hall to Emmett and Rosalie's room. My sensitive ears could hear a light banging coming from inside the room. Nothing I hadn't experienced. I quickly knocked on the door. Surprisingly, a fully clothed Rosalie flew the door open.

"Rosalie?" I asked quietly.

_"Bella,"_ she growled

"Umm . . . I was wondering if I could talk to you about marriage issues," I mumbled.

"Marriage issues?" she asked. "Are you suggesting I have _marriage iss-_"

"GET OUT OF HERE YOU SLUT! I'M SICK OF YOU FLIRTING WITH THE _**MAILMAN**_!" I heard Emmett boom.

Rosalie turned to face her room. "HEY! YOU FLIRT WITH HIM TOO! OH, THAT'S RIGHT I'VE SEEN YOU FLEX YOUR MUSCLES IN HIS DIRECTION!"

"THAT'S CUZ HE LIKES IT! HOW'S THAT FOR SOMETHING? SOMEONE WHO _DOESN'T _LIKE YOUR PERFECTLY CONDITIONED HAIR FLIP!"

Rosalie turned to face me. "Oh. My God. That was the last straw right there. C'mon Bella, we're going to a bar."

I quickly followed her to the convertible without a word.

Rosalie put the car in park and hopped out of the car. I sat frozen in my seat. "Rosalie, why are we at a bar?"

"This is where I always go when I have marriage problems. Just follow my lead."

I walked into the bar alongside her to find that every single inhabitant was a male.

"Rosalie, we're gonna get molested," I said.

She smiled. "I know."

I groaned. I wish Rosalie wasn't such a playa.

Suddenly everyone turned to see who had entered the bar. "ROSALIE! OH HEY IT'S ROSALIE!" everyone yelled.

Rosalie flipped her hair and walked to a stool. I did the same.

"Hey, who's your friend?" the bartender asked Rose.

"I'm Bella!" I said.

"Yeah . . ." Rosalie mumbled.

Rosalie swiveled around in her chair. "Ay Mo. Who's the hottie with a body in the corner?"

Mo looked over to see who she was talking about. "Oh I'm not sure, Rose. He's a new comer. I think his name is Josiah."

Rosalie strode over to Josiah with me trailing behind. "Are you Josiah?" Rosalie sighed.

He nodded. "Call me Jumbo Jo. Can I help you ladies?"

Rosalie nodded "We were lonely-"

"I'LL BUY YOU A DRINK!" he screamed.

"Well we were thinking more along the lines of you coming home with us."

"I WILL!"

Jumbo Jo followed us to the convertible and we drove him back to the mansion. "So what are we gonna do at your house? Can we play _Scrabble?" _

"Sure Jumbo Jo, sure . . ." Rosalie said.

We walked in the house with Jumbo Jo's arms draped over our shoulders.

Edward was walking around the living room throwing Pilates DVDs into his ankles. "Josiah, Josiah. WHO IS JOSIAH!" he screamed.

"I am JOSIAH!" Jumbo Jo said.

Edward screamed like a gay me. "BELLA _WHY?!" _

"Because you were being mean to me!" I screeched.

"Bella, all I said was that I think our love-making is a bad impression on Renesmee."

"Dude, she's with me now," Jumbo Jo said.

Edward took a step forward and glared at Jumbo Jo. "I can kill you with my _pinky."_

Jumbo Jo ran out of the house screaming.

"How are we a bad influence for Renesmee?" I snapped.

"She asked me for birth control pills . . ."

"So?"

"Bella, she's like six."

"That's bad, right?"

"YES!"

Suddenly a strange bald man ran out from Emmett and Rosalie's room and out the door screaming "I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE MARRIED!"

Rosalie's jaw fell open. "EMMETT IS THAT THE _MAILMAN?!"_

"MAYBE . . ."

**HAHAHA GOTCHA! THAT WASN'T THE LAST CHAPTER! Aren't I a clever one?**


	28. Grammy Marge Visits

**Hola **_**Amigos!!!! **_**LOL you'll understand it later in the story. It is Anna. NOOOOOO! YES! MUAHAHA! Well I got this brilliant idea from a very random conversation me and Rachel were having on IM . . . so here we go**

Bella's POV:

Why? Why did awful things happen to good people? And yes that good person would be me, _jerks! _It started as a normal day; Renesmee had tried to set herself up for adoption because me and Edward weren't proper _parents. _Puh-shaw. It's not like I asked to be a parent. Anyways my story began as I waited in the Cullen household for Carlisle to come home with my daughter who was hitchhiking a couple miles away.

Suddenly Carlisle's black car appeared in the driveway. I ran outside and lifted my daughter high into the air. "Renesmee, I'm so sorry! I'll take your feelings into consideration next time your father and I openly make love!"

She replied with "that's what they all say."

"I really truly am sorry," I said. "Now go get yourself some blood out of the refrigerator. You must be starving."

"That what they all say," she said as she walked into the house.

I turned to Carlisle. "Did she cooperate?"

He nodded. "She was fine, however I passed your father's house and there was a strange car in the driveway."

"That's ," I said. "Charlie doesn't usually have visitors. It wasn't Billy's car was it?"

He shook his head. "The license plate on the car said _Utah._"

Utah? Who did Charlie know from Utah? Suddenly it dawned on me. My grandmother! The one who wasn't dead!

"Carlisle, tell Edward I had to go! I need to go see Grammy!" I ran away leaving a confused Carlisle in the dust.

I arrived to Charlie's house and let myself in. "Dad?" I called.

"Bells? Is that you?" he called. He hadn't quite gotten used to my new voice.

"Yeah. Can I come in?"

"Of course."

I walked into the living room to find my dad sitting on the sofa with my grandmother sitting across from him. I cautiously sat next to my father leaving a few inches in between us. Luckily I wasn't drawn by Grammy's smell. She smelled like old people. Good thing Alice wasn't here – senior citizens were her weakness.

"Isabella?" Grammy said. "It can't be."

I smiled. "It is."

She frowned. "What happened after that wedding of yours? You get plastic surgery?"

I mirrored her frown. "No, Grammy. I did get surgery, but that was necessary because I got very sick."

She ignored me. "Heard you had a baby too," she shook her head at this. "Never thought sweet little Isabella would have a shotgun wedding."

My frown widened. "It wasn't a shotgun wedding. I had my baby after the wedding."

"Were you pregnant during the wedding, though?"

"NO!" I suddenly grew calm. "I'm sorry, Grammy. Would you like to come with me to meet my in-laws?"

She nodded slowly.

I drove her in her car at a normal human rate until we reached the Cullen estate.

"Big house," Grammy commented.

As I walked her to the front door, I heard Alice whisper from inside. _My senior senses are tingling._

I opened the door. "I'm back," I whispered.

Alice's mouth widened. "I WAS RIGHT!" she screamed as she ran upstairs to prevent her from doing anything she's regret in the morning.

I walked Grammy to the sofa without saying anything. I sat down next to her and began to speak. "Grammy, I'd like you to meet my new family."

At that moment Edward came and plopped right next to me with Renesmee in his lap. "This," I said with lust in my eyes "is my sexy man, Edward and my daughter, Renesmee." Everyone groaned. "This is Carlisle and Esme, my father and mother-in-law. That's Jasper, my brother-in-law. Well actually, his wife, Alice, is Edward's sister. She's the one who ran upstairs. This is Edward's brother, Emmett, and his wife, Rosalie, who's also Jasper's sister."

Grammy gaped at me as I finished my long list of names. Then her open mouth widened even more. She then, turned to Emmett. "Excuse me, but did Isabella say your name was _Emmett?" _

Emmett nodded, confused. "Yes . . ."

She shook her head. "I'm sorry. I just used to date a boy many years ago who looked almost identical to you named Emmett. He couldn't be your grandfather by any chance, could he?"

Emmett's eyes widened. "Umm . . . well, it's possible. But, uh, my grandpa died because he, uh . . . got shot by some dude in the hood."

"Oh well that's terrib-"

"THE BABY NEEDS AIR!" Emmett boomed. "Could you take her out, Marge?"

"Oh, sure. Wait . . . how did you know my name was Marge?"

I turned to glare at Emmett, "yes, how?"

Emmett's face turned purple, which I didn't think was possible. "Umm . . . Granddad told me about some of the women he dated and the one he talked about the most was named Marge. I just guessed?"

Grammy shrugged then picked Renesmee outside and took her outside.

I pounced as soon as the door closed. "EMMETT WHAT IS GOING ON?!"

Tearless sobs escaped Emmett's mouth like the gay man he was. "I DATED YOUR GRANDMA!"

"YOU _**WHAT?!**_"

"YOU HEARD ME!"

Suddenly Rosalie turned to Emmett. "YOU HAD ANOTHER WOMAN BEFORE _**ME?!**_"

"Yes I did Rosalie, and that was when I actually like women."

Jasper who had been silent the whole time suddenly began screaming. "OOOOOHHHHHH YOU JUST GOT PWNED!!!"

Suddenly Grammy came back through the door. "Renesmee is a quiet one, she's just like her _mother._"

"That's what they all say," Renesmee whispered into Grammy's ear.

I turned to my Grammy as she sat back down. "Can you tell us about Emmett – the one you dated?"

"Yes, please do," Rosalie said furiously.

Grammy flushed. "Oh. Well Emmy and I-"

"OH I GET IT! GRAMMY – EMMY! LIKE THE AWARDS! HAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Jasper screamed.

"Oh God," Edward muttered.

"Yes," Grammy said nervously. "So we did everything together and told each other things that we'd never told anyone else."

At this, Emmett gulped.

"I told him about my real ethnicity. I didn't want people to find out I was Mexican so I told everyone I was Irish –"

"OH MY GOD!" I screamed. "WE'RE MEXICAN?!"

"Yes –"

"OH MY GOD!"

"And he told me how he was bisexual, but I didn't mind –"

"OH MY GOD!" Rosalie shrieked. "I KNEW IT!"

Emmett coughed loudly and violently. It was so violent that Jasper fell over and hit a vase.

Grammy didn't seem to hear the recent interruption because she kept on talking – that's what happens when you're old.

"Wait," I said. "Did you just say you smoked weed?"

"No," Grammy said. "We picked weeds together or else my father would beat me with a pencil."

"LIIIIIIIAR!" I screamed and ran out of the house.

"Bella!" Edward called. "Where are you going?"

"TO MEXICO!" I screamed. "TO BE WITH MY FAMILY!"

I took a cab and had to pay 500 bucks to go to Mexico. _Sleazy cab drivers. _He said it would be free of charge if I paid him with something else but I told him I couldn't be a pimp and a prostitute.

I arrived in Mexico after 2 days in the cab with the driver who smelled like moldy pumpkins – but I still wanted to eat him. I MUST RESIST!

I arrived in some little town that reminded me of a Hispanic Forks. As I walked the streets to find a place to stay I noticed a stout man with a massive mustache. I mentally named him Nacho. Eventually I turned around. "Umm . . . hi," I said.

"Hola Señorita. ¿Estás perdido?" he said in a rapist tone.

"What?" I said stupidly, but I was a sexy stupid girl.

"Ah, americano, ¿no?"

"Sí," I said weekly.

"Excelente," He licked his lips, which got slimy spit all over his rapist stache. He reminded me of my father. But Charlie wasn't a rapist. Was he? Charlie? NO! No, of course not. Plus there were no women down at the station. Wait. There was Annie, the trainee. But Annie was like . . . 20. Which made the thought scarier. _What was Charlie doing? _Was Charlie a rapist? That mustache was very rapist-like. No. ANNIE NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Nacho stared at me. "¡Ándale, chica!"

I followed him to a shack on the outskirts of town. Inside the shack were two other Mexicans. I named them Jesús and Margarita. They were making out – well umm . . . -cough- on the sofa. Margarita came off as a slut to me. I got the Marg part from Grammy's name – cuz she's a slut. I can't believe she had a thing with Emmett – good God.

Jesús looked like a rapist, too. He had a bigger stache than Nacho. I think it was a cult.

Nacho shed his jacket and threw it on the ground.

"I'M MARRIED!" I screamed. "WITH A BABY!"

"Oh," Margarita said. "Me also. I am on mí seventeenth," she said with a heavy accent as she patted her belly.

"Wow," I said. "All from your husband?"

"Sí," she said. "Both of dem." She pointed to the two rapists.

"Where are your kids?"

"In trash. But dey keep coming back."

Suddenly, Nacho handed me something that looked like weed. I then realized it was weed. "I'M NOT SMOKING MARIJUANA!" I screamed.

That's what I said for 2 days, but then I got thirsty. "Can I go get something to eat?" I begged.

Nacho threw the weed at me again. "Fine." I said. I inhaled slowly. "OH MY GOSH!" I screamed. "THIS TASTES LIKE FRUIT LOOPS!"

I soon learned that weed was a nice alternative to blood . . .

Edward's POV:

"Emmett, she's 88 years old!" I said for the 152nd time. "She's way too old!"

"Uh, well _excuse me, _but I'm 93 thank you very much."

"But you look 20! You dating someone who looks almost 4 times your age is beyond bizarre!"

"BUT I LUFFFF HER!"

"YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THIS WOMAN IN OVER SEVENTY YEARS!!!!!"

"_Love waits._"

"WHAT ABOUT ROSE?!" I screamed.

"Rose can have Mike," he said matter-of-factly.

I thought this through. "No . . . that wouldn't work. Mike got herpes."

"WHAT?" Emmett boomed. Jasper, who was in the kitchen with Alice, fell over. Alice had been trying to boil Grammy in the crock pot and now Jasper was having a talk with her about how people have feelings. "Who'd he get herpes from?!" Emmett continued.

"Umm . . . I think it's the new Venezuelan dude."

"Hengelberth?! "

"Yeah, him."

"GASP! THEY SHOULDN'T LET STRANGE HAIRY MEN WITH STD'S OUT OF THE COUNTRY! WE MUST STOP THE MADNESS!"

"Umm . . . that sounds like a personal problem," I mumbled.

"C'mon Eddie-kins. Don't you want to do something dangerous? Feel the wind in your hair?"

"OH NO!" I shrieked. "Speaking of danger – Bella's still in Mexico!!!!!!"

"Ok, we'll pick her up on our way back from Venezuela."

"Emmett? What exactly are we _doing _in Venezuela?"

"We're gonna go bomb the citizens so they can't bring any more STDs into our country, of course."

"Since when do you care? You can't get an STD."

"Yes Edward, that is true. But this America. _My country. _The Land of the Free, Home of the Brave, and I . . . I – I Pledge Allegiance to the Flag of the United States of America. And to the Republic for Which it Stands, One Nation Under Obama, Indivisible, For Liberty and Justice For All."

"Emmett, it's one nation under God . . ."

"Not for long . . ."

. . .

"We there yet, Ed?"

"Emmett we just left fifteen seconds ago."

"Well drive faster."

"Emmett I'm not that good at driving planes, so I'd really appreciate it if you'd shut up."

"Fine. . . wanna play I Spy?"

"No Emmett."

"I spy with my little eye something big and blue."

"The sky."

"Dang it. How'd you know?"

"Well the only thing up here is the sky, and I can read your mind. Let's face it; it's not a fair game."

"Hey, read my mind now."

"Oh Lord Emmett, please don't think about Bella's grandmother that way."

"I'm sorry. She's just so beautiful."

"Shut up, Emmett."

…

"Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream. Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily life is butter dreams."

"Emmett?"

"Yes?"

"Did you just say life is butter dreams?"

"Yes."

"It's life is but a dream."

"Well you can dream about whatever sick things you dream about, but I dream about butter."

-Sigh-

…

"Are we there yet?"

"No, Emmett."

"Now?"

"No."

"How about now?"

"How about you shut up?!" I said angrily.

…

"FINALLY!" I screamed. "You got the bombs, Emmett?"

"YEESH!"

"GO BOY GO!"

"BOMBS AWAYYYYYYYYYYYYY!" he screamed as he pressed the big red button. An atomic bomb was released from the bottom of our plane. "THAT'S WHAT YOU GET YOU SICKOS!"

I drove the plane away quickly in the opposite direction towards Mexico. The whole time I drove, Emmett sang the only Spanish song he knew: Feliz Navidad. He didn't want to _annoy _me by repeating the song over and over so he sang extremely slow.

_He's so thoughtful._

Within about 2 hours my Bella senses began to tingle. I lowered the plane and landed it by an old run down shack. I hesitantly walked into the dark, damp shed. "Bella?" I called. "Bella are you here?"

Suddenly, a light flickered on revealing a half dressed Bella. I sighed. I couldn't leave her alone for 10 minutes without her going all slutty on me.

"Edworrrrrrrrrrrrrd?" she slurred. "Hey guyzzzzzzz t's Edworrrrrd."

"Hoooooooola," the Hispanics said.

"Edworrrrrrrrrrrd these are my palzzzzzzzzzzzz," Bella said as she collapsed onto the floor.

I ran to her and picked her up. "Bella? Are you okay?"

"I'm just dandy," she hiccupped.

"Bella, are you high?"

"Yussssssssssssh. Sure am. Try it. It tastes like frooooooooot loops."

Emmett burst through the door. "I LOVE FRUITY CEREAL!"

"_Get back to the plane, Emmett._" I hissed.

"C'mon Bella," I said as I carried her out. "We're going home."

"NUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!" she screamed. "NUUUUUUUUU Mí AMIGOS!"

"Say goodbye Bella."

"Bye guyzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz."

…

As I got back to the plane, I noticed Emmett had pinned up pictures of Bella's grandmother in a bikini.

Bella immediately jumped back to sober mode. "PUT THOSE AWAY!" she screamed. "I NEVER WANNA SEE THAT LYING SLUT AGAIN!"

Emmett refused but then Bella's hung him out of the window as I flew until he agreed.

When we got back to the house Emmett ran to Charlie's house to protect Marge and Bella followed. However, when they got there, Marge was nowhere to be seen. On the other hand, another woman was there. I believe her name is Annie . . .

**A/N: Kay, I'm an awful writer. Sorry this was so long. DON'T FOLLOW BELLA'S EXAMPLE! HUGS NOT DRUGS!**


	29. Emmett Meets Oprah

**Hey guys! Anna here, just a little FYI – I kinda bring a bit of my political views into this one, so if you're pro-Obama I'd sit this one out.**

Alice's POV:

I was walking down our extremely long driveway to go get the mail because Carlisle was too lazy to get it. Actually, that's not true – he was hung-over... yeah I don't know. So anyways I was walking back from the mailbox as I looked through the few bills we had. I noticed a letter; it was addressed to Emmbalina Cullen. Could that be Emmett? Oh God. Suddenly I heard a moan come from the sideyard. I glanced over there quickly to be sure no one was hurt. "OH MY GOD!" I screamed. "MY EYES! MY EYES!" I quickly turned in the opposite direction so as not to see Bella and Edward being very public with... yeah. "Why can't you two do that in the little home I decorated for you?!"

"Renesmee is having her semi-annual tea party," Edward said nonchalantly, acting like being naked with his wife in his family's yard was no big deal.

"How is it semi-annual?" I asked. "She hasn't even been alive a year. You know what, don't answer that." Then I walked inside.

"Emmett!" I called. "I think you have a letter."

"From who?" he called down.

"Doesn't say. Can I open it?"

"Sure."

_Holy mother of Jesus. _"Emmett, it's from the Oprah Winfrey Show."

Suddenly Emmett came whirling down the stairs in a long, blonde wig, mini skirt, high heels, a blouse, and underneath what looked like a push-up bra. I stared at him for a second, and then went to the couch to lie down.

Emmett's POV:

I just got an invitation from Oprah to be on her show. I am like so high on life right now. Well you stalker readers that somehow know about my life are probably wondering why I am dressed as a woman. Well, I want to have that woman-to-woman connection with Oprah and that'll only work if she thinks I have an eggs not sperm. My name is Emmbalina, a diabetic 25 year old woman who has 5 adopted South American children with scoliosis. When I was 12, I was attacked by vicious, rabid ostriches who left a large scar on the back on my right thigh. It's all very sad.

Suddenly Jasper walked through the door. "Oh hey Emmett," he said as if seeing me dressed as a woman was no big deal.

I bent down and ran my fingers up my leg in a sexy chick way. "Hey sailor," I breathed.

He ignored me. "I wouldn't go outside if I were you. Ed and Bell are getting it on again."

I sighed, wishing Edward would come and smell the flowers on the outside of the closet like me and Jasper had. Jasper stared at me. I winked, which made him cringe. "Emmett, for the last time I'm not gay!"

I nodded. My woman appearance made him nervous.

5 Days Later . . .

I WAS SO EXCITED! I WAS GONNA MEET OPRAH! ZOMG! AAAAHHHHH!

I was wearing skinny jeans, ballet flats, and a Sarah Palin shirt to show I thought women were awesome. My wig was cut into a bob to make me look sexy. I had to go to a boutique because Alice refused to help me.

I got off the plane and walked into the city of Chicago. I took a cab to the studio. I swear the cab driver was checking out my push-up bra. I got out where two beastly looking men greeted me. The bigger one, I mentally named him Frank, shook his head at my shirt. "Oh no," he said. "Oprah won't tolerate this shirt. Take it off." NO! I couldn't take my shirt off, they'd see my chest hair and see I wasn't a woman! I had to be sneaky.

"Okay then," I said in my woman voice. I ripped off my shirt as quick as I could and threw it into their faces. "CHOKE ON THIS!" I screamed as I ran inside. I quickly put on the jacket that was tied onto my waist. Suddenly a woman came up to me and gave me a black shirt that said CHANGE in large white letters. "Oprah will love you wearing this," she said. I walked into a room to put it on and sighed. I came out and the woman examined me. "Oh you look _fabulous!_"

All of a sudden I was on the stage, sitting next to OPRAH! ZOMG! "And today we have a very special guest with us. Her name is Emmbalina Cullen. She's a 25 year old single mother with 5 adopted children who all have scoliosis. Welcome, Emmbalina," Oprah said. I gasped.

"Well thanks for having me, _Oprah._"

She looked at my shirt and smiled. "I see you're a supporter of my friend, Barack Obama."

I fidgeted. "Well actually…" Suddenly words three words appeared on a screen behind the audience. It said _Yes You Are. _"Yes I am," I said quickly.

She let out a sigh of relief. "Well that's good. That means I can bring out The Finger." Oprah pulled a blue foam finger out from under her chair and stuck it on her hand. The Finger said "GO BARACK!" at the bottom. I gulped.

"So tell us," she said, "how do you deal with five Venezuelan children?"

I smiled. "Well it's all been a lot easier since I've met the man of my dreams."

"Oh really?" Oprah said. "Do tell us his name."

I paused. "_Jasper." _I breathed.

Alice's POV:

We stared at the TV, then at Jasper in disbelief. Finally he stood up. "Well, I've lived a good long life. If you're wondering where I am I'll be hanging from the apple tree."


End file.
